Tried and True Music Is Stuck in Center

OK, picture this:

You’ve had a rough day. People have been on your back. You’re looking to unwind, and, ah, what the heck, cut loose.

So you splurge on dinner out. You forget your “early bird” coupon, but you’re not going to let it bother you. You’re here to have fun! You are almost moved to order off the wine list.

Dinner arrives. Sure tastes good to you. Your friends are laughing at your jokes. You’re quite a card. What fun you’re having!

But then dinner’s over. You’re a bit restless. Why, the night is young! This you actually say to your friends.

“The night is young!” you say. You want something more .

Movies are out. That’s why you got your VCR. Dancing ... What? Are you kidding?

Wait, wait. You’ve got it. Yes!

“Guess who’s playing the Performing Arts Center?” you say.

VIC DAMONE!

Now, let me say right here that I have nothing against Mr. Vic Damone. Personally, I was very relieved to find out that he recently made quite a name for himself by snaring a gig at the Orange County Performing Arts Center.

I thought he’d been dead for years.

And let me add that not only has Mr. Vic Damone risen from the dead (in a strictly allegorical sense, I understand now), he has joined a very select group of so-called pop singers born after the start of the Industrial Revolution who have been asked to perform at the Center.

As far as I can tell, the others are Andy Williams and Toni (Minus the Captain) Tennille. I am not making this up.

OK, OK. I can hear you now. “Where the heck was I when these titans of the music industry came to the Performing Arts Center to bring a little cheer to those stodg, er, I mean, sophisticated stewards of good taste in Costa Mesa?”

I mean, this is the place that, when explaining its deep and abiding reluctance to book pop and rock (and I’m not talking Metallica here), refers to its devotion to “the four major performing arts disciplines: ballet, symphonic music, opera and Broadway musicals.”

Right. You were probably at the same place I was: Elsewhere.

Which is the problem, see. They’re not packing them in the way they used to at the Performing Arts Center. Last year, the gap between the Center’s presentation costs and its box office income was in the neighborhood of $5 million.

Which must have been quite a load on Mr. Vic Damone’s shoulders, if you ask me.

I mean, think of it. A reality gap of some $5 mill, and let’s face it, in a pinch how much do you really want to depend on say, Mitzi Gaynor (although they’ve tried that too), to bail you out.

No, no, no. You’ve got to go with the tried (all right, the very tried) and the true. You gotta go with VIC DAMONE!

Not that getting him to come to Costa Mesa must have been easy. I can hear the conversation now.

O.C.: “Vic, we’re counting on you, buddy.”

V.D.: “Do I know you?”

O.C.: “Sorry, Mr. Damone. . . . We were wondering if you’d like to come to Orange County.”

V.D.: “Hey, look. I told you guys I don’t do Orlando anymore. That last time, that was all a mistake. I don’t want no trouble, understand?”

O.C.: “No, no. I mean Orange County, California . The Performing Arts Center.”

V.D.: “Oh, yes. Of course. Nice place you got there. What? You serious?”

O.C.: “Absolutely! We’d be honored. I mean, you still do sing , don’t you?”

V.D.: “Oh, sure. ‘On the Street Where You Live.’ You heard that, haven’t you? You know it, right? ‘Cause that song’s been very good to me. Fact, you say one word about that song and I’ll. . . .”

O.C.: “No, no. That will be fine. And bring your wife, Diahann Carroll. Pretty lady. I understand she wears those low-cut gowns on stage, and then you ask her to keep bending over. (Snort). That’s great. Now, that’s entertainment!”

V.D.: “Hey, you know, for a young guy, you got a lot of class. Like I always say, you stick to the four major performing arts disciplines, and you can’t go wrong.”

Dianne Klein’s column appears Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday. Readers may reach Klein by writing to her at The Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626, or calling (714) 966-7406.