Manic Mondays : If you want music to soothe you, skip the band Happy Mondays. It’s about as calm as someone whose hair is on fire.

It would be so simple if that noted philosopher, T. Lasorda, was correct when he observed that life is simply a case of mind over matter--”If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.”

But everybody, particularly sports fans, does mind. It does matter, because for every winner, there’s a loser. And what if your team loses all the time? The Dodgers didn’t make it, the Rams didn’t even come close, the Bruins and Trojans stink in football and basketball, there’s no more speedway on Tuesday nights at the Ventura County Fairgrounds, your high school team couldn’t even spell playoffs let alone make them, and the real news from the real world is even worse. That’s where gray hair comes from.

Maybe it’s Happy Mondays you need.

It has been noted that “music soothes the savage beast.” Right now, a lot of Bruin fans need some serious soothing. Can music calm people down? Can it make you feel good, as good as George Bush?

Muzak maestros seem to think their product is soothing, but a musical lobotomy that will chill your brain cells quicker than the frozen food aisle at Von’s is a bit severe. Punk rock is about as soothing as Beirut Saturday night in your living room, only louder.

But Happy Mondays, a Manchester, England, band is coming to town this week. Happy Mondays sound pleasant, don’t they? Well, they’re not. They’re about as calm as someone whose hair is on fire. So you’re just going to have to adjust to gray hair, find some mellower music or pick a better team.

And while Bruin fans must wait until next year, Happy Mondays fans only have to wait until next Tuesday. The band, doing fine on the college charts, is touring with tunes from their latest release, “Pills ‘n’ Thrills and Bellyaches.”

Manchester has spawned a lot of popular bands over the last decade such as Joy Division, New Order, James, Inspiral Carpets and the Stone Roses.

In a recent telephone interview, singer Shaun Ryder discussed the life and times of Happy Mondays.

Where did you come up with the name Happy Mondays?

Well, we had a lot of junk names before. It was just a crappy name that we could all agree on.

What’s the Manchester scene like?

From 1987 to 1989 or so . . . there were a lot of all-night parties. The scene really had nothing to do with people in bands--it was just a big party. Now all these bands came along, like all these speed metal punks, things got confused. A lot of junk bands get signed now just because of the way they look. Manchester is still an OK place. There will always be something there.

How would you describe Happy Mondays music?

Well, all these bands claim to be this and that. We never claimed to be anything else but what we are, whatever that is. We didn’t know what we was doing at first, but now we’re just a good, live rock band--a really good, live rock band.

What’s the best and worst thing about being a rock star?

Well, there’s nothing really bad about it. It’s all sort of a big joke to us, really. We never expected anything from anybody, really. It’s just us.

What would be your dream gig and your nightmare gig?

Dream gig? Oh, I don’t know--maybe the Beatles, the Stones or maybe the O’Jays and Public Enemy. Our nightmare gig would be to play with Inspiral Carpets.

What’s the worst advice you’ve ever heard?

I don’t know. I never listen to anybody.

Would Margaret Thatcher wear a Happy Mondays T-shirt?

I don’t know, but I’d wear a Margaret Thatcher T-shirt.

What’s the most misunderstood thing about your band?

Probably some of the publicity that says we’re all mental--we’re not. We’re just normal people. Sometimes people want to talk to us about all this musical stuff--we don’t understand any of that stuff. We just play.

What’s next for Happy Mondays?

For now, I suppose, just getting this tour out of the way, playing some live shows; that’s it. We’d like to make some money. If people think we’re a good band, then who knows?