STAGE REVIEW : Susan Caroselli Serves Up a Hilarious, Layered ‘Message’

To paraphrase: When I hear the phrase music appreciation , I run for the exit.

Writer-performer Susan Caroselli knows, of course, that that is what’s likely on the minds of her audience members at the Carpet Company Stage. They have just settled into their seats in the tiny, shoebox-sized theater to see her “Mission to the Philistines, or The Hazards of Culture,” and out of the British-accented mouth of Caroselli, who has made herself into a proper, slightly daft British ex-opera star, come the dreaded words.

“Music appreciation.”

Think of water torture: the squirm factor is about the same. The English Lady, as Caroselli’s perfumed pedant is called, is, in her words, “bringing culture to deprived areas of North America.” With this in mind, she promises not to go too fast for the slow ones in our class. The Lady has a way of turning condescension into an act of supreme charity: old Colonial ways die hard.

In fact, “Mission” can be seen as a metaphor for Her Majesty’s crumbling empire, particularly when the seemingly flawless Lady is a disaster on the piano (her face-saving accompanist, Paul A. Johnson, isn’t), then later appears to be as crazy as her high-strung operatic heroines.

But the show’s hidden meaning and its straight-ahead effect are two different matters. Caroselli immediately comes across not just as a female Victor Borge, but as a performer trying to create the impression of becoming a female Victor Borge. She can do it because, like Borge, she’s a good enough musician to lampoon her subject, and, unlike Borge, a good actress. (Caroselli also reminds us of Carol Burnett.)

Even though we’re distanced from her, we can’t help but like the Lady--how can you not like someone who goes on and on about the pitfalls of listening to the dreaded “bird song” that she tells us is part of every vocal recital? Or who offers us the invaluable tip that opera-going saves us the bother of theater- or symphony-going, since opera puts it all in one marvelous package?

Like everything else about her (her idea of evening wear, for instance), the Lady goes too far in the tip-giving department, even suggesting proper intermission chatter. Director Hans Tester, though, makes sure that “Mission” doesn’t go too far in its satirical urges--especially important since Caroselli is so clearly in love with her creation.

With Johnson as the silent pianistic Other sparring with the Lady’s indomitable ego, “Mission” is also a comedy about how musicians can possibly stand each other. She threatens him with castration, and he subsequently storms offstage. But they come back for an encore that you’ll never hear at Ambassador Auditorium.

“Mission to the Philistines, or The Hazards of Culture,” Carpet Company Stage, 5262 W. Pico Blvd., tonight and Saturday, 8 p.m. $12; (213) 466-1767. Running time: 1 hour. 40 minutes.