No gym in Dubuque would dare dispute...

No gym in Dubuque would dare dispute this one:

The Los Angeles Athletic Club advertises that it dominates the competition in several categories, including: “Most celebrities.”

Women at San Francisco State University recently complained that their toes and legs were licked by a young man who sneaked into their dorm while they were sleeping. “What is it with this licking thing anyway?”said one of the victims.

USC alumni may recall a weird assailant who brought their school national attention a decade ago--a phantom pedicurist. His obsession was painting the toes of women who were studying in the school library.

The city attorney’s office reported that one victim initially dismissed rumors about the intruder as silly until “she saw that her big toes had been painted apricot. She hadn’t felt anything.”

The painter, a nonstudent dubbed Leonardo de Toenail by police, was finally apprehended on campus while carrying 15 bottles of nail polish. He was cited but never appeared for his hearing. Fled on foot, no doubt.

In L.A.’s jewelry district, the merchants will gladly validate for parking. All they ask is that you buy a few trinkets (adding up to least $500).

List of the Day:

The expenditure of $5.5 million by the city Board of Public Works for a new oceanographic vessel--more than three times the original estimate--seems inexplicable to some people, such as City Councilwoman Joy Picus.

We’re confident that the ritzy tub, La Mer, will one day actually put to sea with its hi-tech equipment, including a shiny $450 toaster. We just hope it doesn’t go down in history as one of L.A.’s Jinxed Ships, such as:

1--The S.S. Catalina: After ferrying revelers between San Pedro and Avalon for years, the Big White Steamer went belly up in the 1970s. She was even arrested--a vessel is considered a person under admiralty law--for unpaid dock fees, before fleeing to Mexico.

2--The Rex: A gambling ship owned by one Tony Cornero, she was captured by authorities and threw her slot machines and other accouterments overboard during “The Battle of Santa Monica Bay” in 1938. She was used as a supply ship during World War II until she was sunk by a German sub.

3--The S.S. Princess Louise: A fashionable restaurant anchored at L.A. Harbor, she suffered the double indignity of first going out of business, then sinking, a couple of years ago.

4--The Oneida: A yacht owned by William Randolph Hearst, she was the site of the mysterious death of director Thomas Ince in 1924. Rumors persist that he died not of gastritis, as officially reported, but of a gunshot.

5--The Ship Cafe: A Venice Pier eatery built in the shape of the flagship of the Spanish explorer Juan Rodriguez Cabrillo, she was a favorite of celebrities and gangsters in the 1920s until she burned to the ground.

Every year, stars like Jay Leno and Danny Glover get behind the wheel of a race car and compete in a celebrity race that precedes the Long Beach Grand Prix. Imagine our shock--and delight--when we received an invitation to compete in a prelim this year. Then we read the small print. It’s a race of remote-controlled cars. Further proof that Only in L.A. is the pits.

miscelLAny:

Sure, they’re asphalt but . . . L.A. County has more than 200 streets whose names begin with the word oak .