TV Reviews : ‘Child of Darkness’: Devil Made Them Do It

Say this for the makers of “Child of Darkness, Child of Light,” a hoot of an Antichrist movie (on the USA Network tonight at 9): Their expert grasp of theology, demonology and eschatology is right up there with their mastery of suspense. Its hilarious ineptitude doesn’t say much for the minimum passing requirements these days at catechism class or scriptwriting school.

For this pseudo-Catholic horror story, writer Brian Taggert and director Marina Sargenti have borrowed from the “Omen” movies (they certainly haven’t lifted it from any Scriptures or other tradition) the idea that the birth of the Antichrist will be paralleled by the simultaneous delivery of an infant Redeemer--hence the title.

Scarily enough, there happen to be two confirmed cases of virgin pregnancies in the United States, which the Vatican dispatches Father Justin O’Carroll (Anthony Denison) to investigate. Apparently his implacably wooden demeanor qualifies him for this spooky job. As it’s implied that Rome will be sending a holy hit squad after the devil baby, naturally the Monsignor wants to make good and sure which kid is divine and which demonic--it wouldn’t look good for the church to assassinate Christ by accident in some sort of crib mixup.

“Child” opens with a big laugh--the investigating father’s predecessor is harassed by “faceless demon assassins on motorcycles,” as the press material puts it, who then turn into crows--and rarely lets down from there. Complicating the mystery of Whose baby is Whose, anyone who gets in the way of either of the virgins-with-fetus meets an untimely “Omen”-style death. Presumably this means jealous papas God and Satan work in equally malevolent ways? How about that climactic exorcism, in which the Almighty blasts the exorcisee with a fatal bolt of lightning? Match that, “20/20”!

And here’s the funniest part of all: Sela Ward as a nun (who, yes, goes bad). Unlike its Beastly predecessors in apocalyptic cinema, “Child” won’t scare anyone into the clutches of the church, but may inspire paroxysms of that divine healing force, laughter.