If Lakers Only Had Tree Rollins

Ah, Oregon. Land of the big logs. A place where every boy and girl each Christmas dreams that this will be the year to look under the tree and find that Santa has brought a brand-new chain saw to be used to cut down next year’s tree.

Portland is a safe, sane, peaceful glen, a lovely getaway spot for the north-by-northwest-bound Lakers to spend a weekend. Not only are there trees in Portland, but the air is clear enough that you can actually see them. This should be a refreshing change for the Lakers, who luckily spend most of their time in California indoors.

My assignment today is to assess the matchups for the impending War of the Pacific between two outstanding basketball teams, perhaps the best in the land. Frankly, I have no clue who is going to win this series or the NBA championship this season, except for my traditional reminder to the public that it will not be Phoenix.

Fans in the stands could decide who wins.

Portland’s crowd is loud and loyal, and a possible championship series involving Portland and Chicago could result in serious eardrum damage for many thousands. From Inglewood via Hollywood, meanwhile, a celebrity turnout led by Jack Nicholson, Dyan Cannon, Louis Gossett Jr., John McEnroe and Little Richard will be matched against Oregon celebrities Woodsy Owl, Smokey the Bear, Rocky Raccoon, Rocket J. Squirrel and Bambi.

Now, as for the teams themselves:

The Lakers are led by Earvin (Magic) (Buck) Johnson, basketball’s all-time assist and nickname leader, who has not won a championship since the 1980s and is even now probably drowning his sorrows in his milk and cookies. Johnson is coming off the worst best game of his career. He clanked his first nine shots Tuesday against Golden State before finishing with 28 points, 14 rebounds and 12 assists.

What he did was play H-O-R-S-E with the Warriors and spot them the H and the O. Magic is a very generous man. The other day, he even said that when God decided to build a basketball player, He built Chris Mullin. Earvin, the Lord does work in mysterious ways, but not that mysterious.

A pretty good prototype for a heavenly built basketball player might, however, be Clyde Drexler. Although the Trail Blazers can best be described as a balanced squad, it is no secret that they tend to turn to Clyde the Glide as a guide whenever the Blazers begin to lose the trail.

I appreciate Clyde Drexler every bit as much as I appreciate Magic Johnson, because they and Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley are an inspiration to guys like me who are losing their hair.

Then there is the fine Portland reserve, Cliff Robinson, compared to whom Lou Gossett looks like Jon Bon Jovi. Bald as a newborn, Robinson has a habit of wearing a headband, a la Slick Watts, often switching colors at halftime, from red to black or vice versa. In his brighter headband, I can safely say that Cliff Robinson’s head bears a strong resemblance to the planet Saturn.

Two of the hairier players to watch in this series will be Vlade Divac and Elden Campbell, who have taken turns in recent weeks as Laker center du jour. It remains to be seen which one Coach Mike Dunleavy uses more, or if he is true to his word about long-time-no-see Mychal Thompson taking those splinters out of his pants and reporting for duty.

It could be that the pace of the play dictates Dunleavy’s decision, or possibly the experience levels of the individuals involved. Thompson knows Portland. He played there. But does that mean he is better suited to contribute against the Blazers, or does it only mean that he can tell the bus driver a shortcut to the gym?

Center stage for Portland is a round mound of rebounds name of Kevin Duckworth, who came to the NBA from that noted professional basketball factory, Eastern Illinois University. All I can tell you about Duckworth is that he was born on April Fools’ Day, has lugged as much as 300 pounds and attended a high school, Thornridge, that on its worst day could still beat Eastern Illinois.

At forward alongside Duckworth will be Charles (Buck) (No Second Nickname) Williams, a very good player who played for the New Jersey Nets and lived to tell about it, and Jerome Kersey, a popular player who would be even more popular if people stopped confusing him with Jess Kersey, the referee.

X factors for the series will be guards Byron Scott and Terry Teagle of Los Angeles and Terry Porter and Danny Ainge of Portland, all of whom can be counted on to score somewhere between two and 30 points, depending on their moods.

All in all, it should be an excellent seven games of basketball, with the edge, in my opinion, going to Portland, because of the obvious home-floor advantage and despite Coach Rick Adelman’s clear-cut disadvantage to Dunleavy in the all-important hair department.