How Can They Win? Let Him Count Ways

By MIKE DOWNEY

May 24, 1991 12 AM PT

Here is a complete, up-to-the-minute scouting report for Games 3 and 4 of the great-western finals between Terry Portland and the Porter Trail Blazers, or whatever their names are, and Your World Champion (emeritus) Los Angeles Lakers, reconvening this evening here in Magic’s kingdom.

But first, this exclusive look at Coach Rick Adelman’s chalkboard, the O in the middle being Kevin Duckworth:

x x x x x

o o Oo o

The series is tied, as it probably still would be had these teams already met 22 times instead of twice. Should the Lakers win all their home games, they will advance to the NBA championship series against either the Detroit Pistons or that friend of Spike Lee’s. Should Portland win, the Lakers would receive some nice parting gifts and probably trade several people to Charlotte.

OK, Californians, ready?

Shades on?

Earring in?

Sunroof down?

Jeans ripped at the knee?

Then let’s begin.

10 WAYS TO BEAT PORTLAND

1. Vlade Divac gets mad. Mad as blazes at Blazers. “I will take to this Duckworth like water,” Vlade vows.

2. Magic Johnson inspires Vlade. Tells him to play harder or next year Elden Campbell gets TV commercial for popular razor.

3. Buck Williams inspires Vlade. Says nasty things on court. Says he’d rather be from New Jersey than from Yugoslavia.

4. Madonna inspires Lakers. Lakers seen leaving apartment at 3 a.m.

5. Pat Riley inspires Lakers. Gives motivational seminar, charges less than $10,000 per head.

6. Larry Bird inspires Lakers. Runs out of locker room in third quarter wearing gold jersey.

7. Madonna further inspires Lakers. Trail Blazers never leave apartment, miss opening tipoff, forfeit.

8. Benoit Benjamin inspires Lakers. Pays return visit to Los Angeles, gives crowd traditional “We’re No. 1” salute.

9. Lakers get tough under basket. Figure they have better chance to win if they get rebound every minute or two.

10. Lakers get tougher under basket. Sam Perkins snaps Cliff Robinson’s headband with Cliff still in it, sends Cliff flying into lap of attractive Hollywood celebrity.

10 WAYS LAKER FANS CAN HELP

1. Wave “Clydebuster” photographs of Clyde Drexler, provided somebody in California can locate photograph of Clyde Drexler.

2. Wear apparel bearing words: “Mom and Dad Went to Rip City and All They Bought Me Was This Stupid Shirt.”

3. Arrive by 7, leave after 9.

4. Illustrate cool California sophistication to Oregonians at Sunday game by not waving signs at TV camera featuring clever sayings beginning with letters “NBC.”

5. Make additional noise by speaking more loudly into cellular telephone.

6. Remind cheerful Portland visitors that doing wave went out with 1980s.

7. Whenever Trail Blazer shoots free throw, have limo driver jingle keys.

8. Give Danny Ainge big You’ll Always Be Boston to Us Here at Forum hello.

9. Feed Magic Johnson false information about needing 30 assists to break some obscure NBA record.

10. Tell Johnson, Buss, McNall, Gretzky to put up money and make Portland an offer.

10 PLAYS TO WATCH FOR

1. Divac fouled (no call).

2. Magic fouls (grimaces at call).

3. Porter drives lane (no resistance).

4. Robinson swings from hoop after dunk. (Cliff-hanger.)

5. Ainge dribbles behind back (no apparent reason).

6. Illegal defense vs. Portland (team now has this move down to science).

7. Magic slides feet side to side near top of key (demonstrating to Portland how not to be called for illegal defense).

8. Scott shoots three-pointer (broadcaster ad-libs: “Portland is going to have to stop that.”)

9. Kersey bumps Worthy, bumps Perkins, bumps Divac, bumps Dunleavy, bumps ref, bumps Arsenio, bumps Laker Girl, bumps Bill Walton, bumps kid with towel mopping perspiration on floor (no call).

10. Divac reaches around Duckworth to poke away ball (requiring particularly long reach).

10 REASONS PAT RILEY SHOULDN’T COACH KNICKS

(Just threw this in.)

1. Mark (Magic) Jackson.

2. Ewing most disappointing player ever to get own orange soda commercial.

3. Jack N. more fun to hang around with than Woody A.

4. Will get back to locker after game, find valuables and hair products stolen.

5. New York Post.

6. Still has much to teach Costas.

7. Wealthy temptress Ivana searching for new love connection.

8. Guardian Angels not always there when you need them.

9. Guy this well-dressed all wrong for team called Knickerbockers.