A Banner Series Might Mean L.A. Is Left in Dark

Game 1:

A spotlight hits the players. Chicago Stadium’s lights go out for the opening introductions. The Lakers go temporarily blind. Chicago’s players are introduced. The Lakers go temporarily deaf. During the darkness, Michael Jordan dunks twice and the Bulls take a 4-0 lead. Could be a long series.

James Worthy’s swollen ankle is hooked up to electrodes by the Laker team doctor, Baron von Lombardo. Worthy suddenly goes sizzle, crackle, pop. The electrical outlets at Chicago Stadium were installed personally by Thomas Edison. Anything over 60 watts and the whole place goes poof. “Backdraft, the Sequel.”

Harry Caray sings national anthem. People stay anyway.

Scottie Pippen drives to the hoop, and Sam Perkins goes with him. Scottie covers his face and hands Sam the ball, screaming: “Please! Please! Don’t punish me anymore!” Pippen suddenly realizes he is experiencing a flashback and believes he is still being guarded by Dennis Rodman.

Vlade Divac last reported seen at one of city’s many fine Serbo-Croation restaurants. Misses tipoff.

Chicago wins Game 1, 100-99, behind Jordan’s 89 points.

GAME 2

Trash talk escalates between Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan. Begins with understandable Pepsi vs. Coke challenge. Continues with usual “I’m nicer!” “No, I’m nicer!” argument between these two individuals. Boils over when Magic attempts some of that kissy-face business he pulled with Isiah Thomas. “Isiah and I don’t even shake hands,” Michael huffs.

Game is delayed 20 minutes while A.C. Green and B.J. Armstrong conduct search for missing first names.

Sir Georg Solti rejoins Chicago Symphony Orchestra to play national anthem. Solti sure looks hilarious in black sneakers.

Bulls run off 30 consecutive points to open play, as Magic pulls Michael aside and says, “OK, is it the shoes or what?” Lakers stage comeback behind Byron Scott, who makes 10 consecutive three-point baskets, earning him thumbs-down from Gene Siskel, seated courtside.

Game interrupted again when Chuck Person of Indiana Pacers mysteriously runs onto court and punts ball into stands. Big fight between cheerleaders when Laker Girls annoy counterparts by calling them nasty name beginning with “Bull.”

Lakers take Game 2, 90-89, when Magic kills last 10 seconds by throwing basketball high as possible.

GAME 3

Big trouble for Bulls right off bat when John Paxson is denied entry into Forum by laughing security guard, who keeps saying: “You’re a professional basketball player. Yeah, right. And I’m Eddie Murphy.” Chicago tourists tour building before game, study championship banners on walls. Several ask: “Did those, like, come with the building or what?”

National anthem sung by singer who sticks to tune as written, a Forum first.

Lakers grab early edge as Vlade gets several big baskets, then runs up aisle to give five to several popular actors. Craig Hodges enters game for Chicago, gets into three-point shootout with Scott, finally swishes one from half court at halftime buzzer, winning $55,000 and new car.

Ten seconds left in game, Lakers down by one point, but Johnson and Worthy get two-on-one breakaway. Will Perdue doesn’t know what to do, so he sticks out size-22 feet, tripping both Lakers.

Bulls win Game 3, 95-94.

GAME 4

Terry Teagle brings crowd to its feet by throwing a pass, another Forum first.

Michelle Pfeiffer sings national anthem atop piano.

Bulls seem sluggish until second quarter, when TV close-up reveals that Number 23 in red jersey is not Michael Jordan but is, in fact, Mars Blackmon, some little dude from Brooklyn. Real Jordan found trussed up in storage closet. Police arrest a Mr. Laimbeer of suburban Los Angeles, who en route to headquarters reportedly mutters: “They won, they won, they won, they won.”

Lakers leading by five when Chicago center Bill Cartwright injures entire front line and several courtside photographers with elbows. Cartwright becomes first opponent in history for whom A.C. Green refuses to say prayer.

Coach Mike Dunleavy has absolutely no way for Lakers to score in fourth quarter. “After playing Portland, I can’t figure out this Chicago defense at all,” Dunleavy says later. “Chicago’s defense appears to be legal.”

Bulls win Game 4, 101-91.

GAME 5

Arsenio uses hand to whip Forum crowd into frenzy--in fact, the loudest the Forum has ever been. Chicago Coach Phil Jackson says: “You call that noise? I’ve been in louder sailboats.”

Rob Lowe and Snow White sing anthem.

Magic decides to show world he can play like Michael, scoring 48 points. Michael decides to show world he can play like Magic, getting 48 assists. Magic ends game with dunk. Michael says: “I didn’t know you could.”

Lakers take Game 5, 105-90.

GAME 6

Old Chicago Stadium condemned and torn down. New Chicago Stadium opens across street.

Roger Ebert sings new rap version of national anthem.

Magic gets 25 assists, five of them to Michael. Michael injured on dunk when head hits overhead scoreboard. Magic passes to himself, shoots, misses, rebounds, passes to himself, shoots, misses, rebounds. Finishes with quadruple-double, including blocking 10 of his own shots.

Chicago wins Game 6, 88-87. Championship banner hung from ceiling, which caves in.