Rose Is Free but Remains Handcuffed

The official list of Do’s and Don’ts for Pete Rose has been drawn up, and a copy has been leaked to this column. It tells him exactly what he can and cannot do, from here to eternity.

You may have noticed that since being sent to the federal pen, Pete Rose has been trying to be a good boy. After all, he is still hoping to end up in the Hall of Fame after landing in the house of detention.

Yet it seems as though citizen Rose can still do nothing right in the eyes of major league baseball, which has called him out and apparently intends to keep him there.

First, Rose planned to become a broadcaster, but baseball said no way. Nobody banned from the game can be an announcer for the game. So, Rose did a stretch on the Cincinnati evening news--the sports this time; next time, maybe the weather.

Next, Rose paid tribute to his old pal Mike Schmidt from their days with the Philadelphia Phillies by being the surprise guest at a night in Schmidt’s honor in Reading, Pa.

Now, personally, I believe a guy should be given credit just for being willing to appear in Reading, Pa., but no. Pete Rose was scolded. He shouldn’t be on any baseball field where professionals are playing.

I don’t know, maybe they think Rose will corrupt those young minor leaguers by selling them autographed memorabilia of himself.

After that, Schmidt invited Rose to accompany him to a big league game at Veterans Stadium, so Pete, being a veteran, accepted. They sat together, much to the chagrin of Commissioner Fay Vincent, who released a statement that said, in essence: “Bad Pete. Bad, bad boy, Pete.”

Well, it got worse. Rose was offered a role in a baseball movie about Babe Ruth. They asked him to portray Ty Cobb, the man whose baseball hitting records he broke, the man for whom Pete named his youngest son.

I was skeptical about Rose playing Cobb. Having done some research on the matter, I can tell you for an absolute fact that Ty Cobb did not wear his hair in bangs.

However, when I saw Rose the other day in his Cobb get-up, he wore slicked-back hair and a high-collared shirt with stays. He looked great. He could have been Ty Cobb, if he had just opened his mouth and said something racist.

Once again, though, baseball intervened. Rose had to wear civilian clothes in the flick, the commissioner said, because it would be inappropriate having him wear an official baseball uniform.

Heaven forbid that Pete Rose be seen in public wearing a 1920s baseball suit. It might besmirch the sacred game of baseball forever.

Anyhow, as long as they were on the subject, the baseball people made up a complete list of Things Pete Can and Cannot Do.

My sources got hold of it, and here it is:

--Pete can come to any park in the country, but only when nobody is playing.

--Pete cannot drink out of any water cooler on the premises, because he doesn’t deserve to.

--Pete can watch baseball on TV, but only with his wife and immediate family.

--Pete cannot drink any beer or use any shaving cream that sponsors major league baseball.

--Pete can play catch with his kid in the yard, but cannot wear a Cincinnati cap while doing so.

--Pete cannot be a “manager,” even of a grocery or shoe store.

--Pete can answer people when they speak to him in public, but cannot initiate the conversation.

--Pete cannot attend Little League games because he might contaminate those cute little moppets.

--Pete can wear no apparel bearing the number 14, his old uniform number, with the possible exception of rented bowling shoes.

--Pete cannot set foot in the city of Louisville, Ky., because they manufacture Sluggers there.

--Pete can address Commissioner Fay Vincent at public functions, but only as “Your Eminence” or “Lord Vincent.”

--Pete cannot use any expressions normally associated with the game of baseball, including: “Give me a rain check.” “My back’s to the wall.” “I’m not in his league.” “Where’d I park my car?” And: “I’m going home.”

--Pete can read the morning newspaper, but must skip straight from the Metro section to the comics, with no stopping in between, or else.

--Pete cannot give a woman a diamond.

--Pete can use or remove a pitcher, but only if there is iced tea in it.

--Pete cannot use the word inning in any context other than baseball, although who knows why in hell anybody would.

Oh, yeah. And he can’t call his kid Ty anymore. The commissioner just decided.