WRITERS’ CORNER : ‘Blocked’ at the PC? Let Us Help You Through the Darkness

What’s Hollywood looking for now? Judging from the screenplays that have been making the rounds lately, these are the new film genres and plot elements:

1--Crusading White Person Goes to Third World Country and Enlightens Exploited Denizens Thereof. Slight variation: Crusading White Person Goes to Local Slum. Often submitted with James Woods in mind.

2--Wild and Zany White Person Tries Patience of Long-Suffering Black Friend. Popularized by Shane Black in the two “Lethal Weapon” movies and in “The Last Boy Scout.” Originated by Mark Twain in “Huckleberry Finn.”

3--Homeless Person as Groovy Saint. The screenwriter may make people’s eyes glaze over at dinner parties with this stuff, but proper liberals listen up when it comes from a character who muses wisely while stroking his oily beard and drinking Ripple. Upcoming example: Robin Williams in “The Fisher King.”

4--Creepy Jungle Thang Is Roused and Eats Residents of Minor American Cities. Current themes often involve fear of Woman as Devourer, a la the “Alien” series. The Jungle Thang in one script, for instance, is not just an oversized snake terrorizing Seattle, but an oversized “snake bitch.”

5--Ultra-Realism Involving Urinals. A vital mood element in the new, hyper-macho slew of scripts. No longer need small children ask their favorite question about film plot points: But Mommy, when did they have time to go to the bathroom? Because these days we know exactly when they did.

6--Unlikely Properties Undergoing Disinterment. An obscure novel by Erskine (“God’s Little Acre”) Caldwell has been making the rounds lately. It’s dated, it’s unpleasant with a plot involving a bad girl who gets raped by a bum lookin’ to have a party. But Jim Thompson and his hip, noir nastiness enjoyed quite a resurrection last year. So the rallying cry now around any old piece of trash is: “Maybe it could be like ‘After Dark, My Sweet’ or ‘The Grifters’!”

7--We Just Wanted to Save the World, Goddammit! Also known as The ‘60s: The Old Fart Version. Oliver Stone, of course, is the uncontested leader here. But this genre includes any self-important scenario about My Generation interpreted by one of its aging members. Look out for Stone’s upcoming take on J.F.K.

8--Arnold as Automaton. Not just the real thing, as in “Terminator 2.” For producers who can’t afford Arnold’s $15-million fee, there are plenty of aspiring Ubermenschen in the persons of Jean-Claude Van Damme, Brian Bosworth, Steven Seagal, et al. Wind ‘em up, they kick heads. Which brings us to . . .

9--Da (Head) Butt, in which the hero, hands tied, escapes by smashing his forehead against the bad guy’s, which for some reason only knocks out the bad guy, never the hero. First noticed in the original “Lethal Weapon,” also used in “Black Rain,” “Kindergarten Cop” and “The Hard Way.” Counting the number of head butts per season, could this be the new moviegoing hobby of the ‘90s?