But If the Burglar Is Armed, That’ll Cost You $7 Extra

The county is considering charging cities for a variety of services that are now free. Included on the proposed list are such police functions as hostage negotiation and bomb squad detail. “If you have the bomb, you’re going to have to pay for it,” the county budget director said.

The county is on the right track, but their proposal needs refinement. Rather than going through the bureaucracy of city government, the county should deal directly with the person needing the service.

Consider, for example, the following futuristic scenario between a homeowner and a sheriff’s deputy dispatched to the Jones residence:

Officer (strolling up to the front door):

What seems to be the trouble?

Jones: There’s a burglar holed up in my basement.

Officer (reaching into his holster): Hmmm.

Jones: Is that a gun?

Officer: No, a calculator.

Jones: Don’t you have a gun?

Officer: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I need to ask a few questions first, ma’am. Did you see the burglar?

Jones: No. I heard glass breaking and I went around to the side of the house and saw the basement window broken. Then I came in the house and heard noises, so I know he’s still down there. I yelled down to him that I had a gun and that if he came out I’d shoot him. Can’t you just go check?

Officer (punching up some figures on the calculator): Hmmm. Assuming we handle this, anything you don’t want shot up down there?

Jones: I don’t want anything shot up down there! Besides, my cat’s down there.

Officer (again working the calculator): OK. Fine. Just checking.

(Ten-second pause as Officer completes computations)

Officer: OK, here’s what I can do for you. . . . I could flush out the burglar for $28.95, assuming there’s no gunplay. If you want us to Mace him, that’s going to run you an extra $9.95.

Jones: Geez. That much?

Officer: Mace is your best guarantee against any violence. Gets ‘em right out. And, of course, we completely air out the basement as part of the fee.

Jones: Forget the Mace. The $28.95 already sounds steep to me.

Officer: I could have done the job for $24.95 between Tuesday and Thursday. Those are the off-peak days. But seeing as how this is a Saturday evening, you got the higher rate. Sorry.

Jones: I was hoping to get in around $20.

Officer (chuckling): Impossible, ma’am. You’re looking at $9.95 for just your basic minimum burglar package. The fact that you didn’t see him, which means we don’t know how big he is or even how many we’re dealing with, runs you another $5. Then you’re talking forced entry as opposed to just picking a lock, which means he’s a little more desperate. And, of course, he could have a gun, so that’s another $7 right there.

Jones: Well, maybe it’s not that bad.

Officer: Consider yourself lucky. If it was your kid down there with him instead of kitty, you’d be looking at $50, easy.

Jones: I just don’t have that much cash on me. This caught me off guard. I really wasn’t expecting to get burglarized tonight.

Officer (consolingly): I understand. Tell you what I could do: You pay the $28.95 today, and I’ll give you a coupon good for five dollars off your next home crime.

Jones: You don’t have to do that.

Officer: No problem. The only thing is, you need to redeem it within 90 days and it can’t be for the same crime.

Jones: So, like if someone steals my car, that would work?

Officer: Perfect. Auto theft is going to run you right around $40, depending on the make, so you’d be looking at only $35.

Jones: I guess I don’t have much choice. I sure don’t want that burglar staying down there. Will you take a check?

Officer: Absolutely.

Jones: All right, I’ll take it. Now, could you get this guy out of there?

Officer: Sure, no problem (heads for basement). By the way, how’d you hear about us?

Jones: I saw your ad in the Yellow Pages.

Officer: Like we say on the force, ‘It Pays to Advertise.’