SECRET AGENT MAN : This Guy Spy Thrives on Cracking Female Codes, Busting Up Audiences

The Guy Spy is on a mission: to infiltrate women’s souls and bring back the top-secret information to men.

As the Guy Spy, a.k.a. Bill Kalmenson, tells his audiences: “All I am is just a humble foot soldier in the struggle for orgasmic democracy. . . . The spy scores, everybody scores.”

On relationships, he says, they’re “a lot like those spikes you see at the entrances to parking lots. They’ll let you in real easy . . . but try and back out!”

Kalmenson, who shares the bill with Vince Champ, Tony Rael and Dave Kagley Friday at the Coach House in San Juan Capistrano, says playing his on-stage alter ego is somewhat like being able to live out his own fantasy.

To strains of Johnny Rivers’ “Secret Agent Man,” the Guy Spy descends, ever so suavely in his “vicious, shark-skin suit,” upon the stage. Casting an oh-so-cool glance at the crowd, he says: “I know what you’re thinking . . . every woman in this audience wants me.”

“His self-professed ambition is that he’s a psychosexual infiltrator,” Kalmenson said of his Guy Spy character last week. “He’s a lone warrior trying to break down the age-old wall of male ignorance of women. One of the unfortunate lessons he’s learned recently is that in order to infiltrate a female soul, the price of admission is his own soul.

“So that’s the Guy Spy. That’s my thing. My act is really the sum total of all those ideas and thoughts.”

Kalmenson paused, then suavely delivered his Guy Spy catch-phrase: “Of course, chicks dig it. “

Kalmenson, an actor who earned a drama degree at UC Berkeley and has since done bit parts on television show such as “thirtysomething” and “L.A. Law,” began his comedy career in New York in 1983.

Like “almost every single other comedian on the planet,” he was a generalist.

“It wasn’t until four years later that I began to narrow my theme and figured I was better served by calling myself the Guy Spy,” he said. “It’s just that the thing that interested me in comedy was really that struggle between men and women and the battle of the sexes. I’d hear women say in the audience, ‘How does he know this?’ ”

Kalmenson would respond by saying, “I broke the code. . . . I’m the Guy Spy.”

“I thought, That’s cool! I’m going to try and stick with that,” he recalled. And by narrowing his material to one theme, “I actually realized that I expanded it. It’s not only sex, boy-girl relationships; it’s deeper than that.

“It’s life force.”

Kalmenson concedes that his sexually arrogant stage persona could backfire.

“It’s a fine line between arrogance and likability,” he said. “If you’re too much into the arrogance you’re going to die and if you’re too likable you’ll lose your edge.”

Despite his “slick, (James) Bond sort of arrogant disposition,” he said, the Guy Spy is not invulnerable.

“The Guy Spy is willing to get into the fray and take his beating and only in the beating does he achieve any kind of humility or understanding,” he said. Indeed, “for every observation or truth there’s a price he’s paid for it in the relationship burn ward.”

What he hasn’t learned through experience in the field, the Guy Spy has gleaned from the pages of women’s magazines.

The Guy Spy refers to Cosmopolitan as “the opposing team’s play book. . . . It’s the official party line manual from Relationship Control.” And the Guy Spy recommends that “every guy acquaint himself with the Cosmo girl. She is armed and dangerous.

“Look at these articles: ‘Get a Man to Share His Innermost Feelings’ . . . so that you can destroy him at a later date. . . . ‘Ruin His Self-Esteem in 5 Minutes.’ . . . “

Kalmenson said the Guy Spy has actually taken on his quest because he’s looking for a partner in life.

“I’m not against relationships,” he said. “I think trust, when you get down to it, is everything in a relationship. Because without trust, you can’t cheat.”

The Guy Spy’s golden rule is: ‘No matter what she says or does, remember one thing: All women want it. The unfortunate corollary to that rule is . . . maybe not with you.”

And what final advice does the Guy Spy want to leave with men?

“Having at times successfully infiltrated female souls,” the Guy Spy said, “I’ve learned that the female soul nourishes itself on only one thing, and that’s romance. That’s the food that sustains its existence: the soft, gooey mush of love. And it’s a delicate balance.

“The lesson is if you feed it too little, it looks elsewhere. But if you feed it too much--it’ll barf all over you.”

Who: Bill Kalmenson, the Guy Spy.

When: Friday, Aug. 2, at 9 p.m. With Vince Champ, Tony Rael and Dave Kagley.

Where: The Coach House, 33157 Camino Capistrano, San Juan Capistrano.

Whereabouts: San Diego Freeway to the San Juan Creek Road exit. Left onto Camino Capistrano. The Coach House is in the Esplanade Center.

Wherewithal: $10.

Where to call: (714) 496-8930.