The New (Yuck) Guy in Town

Anyone who likes humor based on mucus, vomit, excrement, flatulence and incontinence, join me in welcoming L.A.’s newest contribution to scatological laughs, the one, the only, the disgusting Howard Stern. But hold the applause.

Stern, as many of you under 15 already know, is the New York “shock jock” whose filth and impiety is now heard locally on station KLSX-FM. He competes each morning with Mark, Brian, Rick, Jay, Tom and other Western intellectuals, who occupy similar, but cleaner, positions elsewhere in L.A.

The man has bobbed into the city like flotsam on a tide of effluence, bringing with him the kind of . . . well . . . wit that has made him the No. 1 radio voice in such citadels of fun as Philadelphia and Washington, D.C.

Stern is accompanied by one Robin Quivers, who is to Stern what Ed McMahon is to Johnny Carson, i.e., a sidekick. The function of a sidekick is to do nothing more challenging than laugh. McMahon offers a guffaw, Quivers an inane giggle.

If she could coordinate enough to clap, she’d be Vanna White.

Among the subjects that trigger Quivers’ giggle, for instance, is Stern’s portrayal of a super-hero he calls (you ready for this?) “Fartman.”

While sparing you any effort to describe the sound effects of the segment, or precisely what the powers of Fartman can achieve, I will say it’s rooted in the kind of humor that prevails during pre-pubescence but generally abates as one edges toward adulthood.

That they continue to find it hilarious in the East gives you a pretty good idea why everything on the other side of the Mississippi is in such serious decline.

I must say, however, that Stern’s presence has precipitated a good deal of talk in L.A., much of it, of course, dirty. That is precisely the effect KLSX-FM is attempting to achieve in its quest to be No. 1 at any cost.

“There’s a buzz going on,” a station executive told me, “and when you feel a buzz, good things are coming. Howard will be the subject of conversation at every hot dog stand in L.A.”

While I rarely frequent hot dog stands, I was a guest recently at a dinner party whose hostess has always been a paragon of purity. Her idea of obscenity was use of the word “heck” twice in the same sentence.

She had somehow become a fan of Howard Stern, however, and at this particular party was suddenly quoting comedian Sam Kinison on Stern’s show as saying the press could kiss his behind.

Kinison, of course, did not say behind and neither did the hostess who, as I understand it, has since left her husband and now dances nude at Satanic strawberry festivals held annually on Stern’s birthday. The Moonies were conceived with far less backing.

Support of a similar nature is heard with disturbing frequency on Stern’s show as callers from L.A., where good taste has never been a serious impediment to comment, voice their happiness at having him in town.

Said one woman who described herself as a 21-year-old from Hollywood, “You make my mornings beautiful.” One can only imagine what her mornings normally consist of to find anything remotely beautiful on a Stern show.

Andy Bloom, who is operations manager at KLSX, says there were 3,000 calls the first week of Stern’s appearance on the station, of which 80% were negative. Now, he informs us happily, they are down to 55% negative.

That’s enough, God help us, to get him elected President.

I met with Bloom and his sidekick Scott Segelbaum the other day. They assured me if I would just keep listening to Stern I would ultimately perceive his honesty and significance.

What the man offers, they say, is satire so compelling that when L.A. begins to understand exactly what he is all about, we will cling to his every filthy word the way Matthew, Mark, Luke and the gang clung to every word Jesus uttered, thus making him the No. 1 commentator of all time.

Jesus, in his wisdom, didn’t make jokes about oral sex, sodomy, lesbianism and bestiality, but that was only because they hadn’t been invented yet. Today, of course, he would.

Bloom and Segelbaum came to L.A. from Philadelphia last February after elevating a station there to the top spot by bringing Stern into what used to be the City of Brotherly Love.

By insulting blacks, gays, women, Mexicans, Catholics, Jews, truck drivers, CPAs, blind quadriplegics and sexually abused children, Stern has managed to destroy a fraternal instinct that had existed in Philly for more than 300 years. But he’s the most listened-to voice in town, and that’s what counts.

“The beauty of Stern,” Bloom says, “is he’s so big, he gives us identity.” One can therefore assume that what tumors did for the Elephant Man, Stern will do for KLSX. Everyone loves a little notice.