‘America’s Funniest People’ Auditions Set for Thursday

Do you want an opportunity to appear on national TV and maybe win $10,000?

If you can make people laugh, “America’s Funniest People” is looking for you.

The hit ABC comedy-reality show will hold auditions Thursday at 8:30 p.m. at Comedy Land in the Pan Pacific Hotel, 1717 S. West St. The auditions are open to everyone, but here (based on things that have worked in the past) is an idea of what “America’s Funniest People” is looking for:

* Visual physical comedy bits: Sight gags of all types, such as crushing cookies with your shoulder blades, or comedy juggling. But they don’t want “anything that might be dangerous for kids to try at home.” And, the producers advise: “We have enough tongue tricks.”

* Brief, clean jokes: Jokes should be less than 30 seconds long. Exceptions are made only in very rare cases. No political, derogatory or overly risque material.

* Celebrity impressions with a comic twist: Don’t just do Joan Rivers saying, “Can we talk?” Have her say something funny. Think of an unusual twist, such as James Brown as a weatherman, or George Bush talking underwater. Or . . .

* Celebrities doing other celebrities: Popeye might sing “Heartbreak Hotel,” for example, or Rodney Dangerfield as Humphrey Bogart.

* Other oddball or offbeat impressions: Like a retired referee as a waiter.

* Funny sound effects: Fog horns, lawn sprinklers--”the more physical or unusual, the better.”

* Weird and/or funny inventions.

* Funny songs: Unusual themes, or new ways to play an old tune (on a bed pan, whistling through your toes, etc.).

* Animal tricks: Think funny or amazing, but bear in mind: They must be humane.

* Kid bits: Kids doing any of the above.

Anyone interested in auditioning must call Comedy Land owner Kelly Craft at (714) 979-JOKE.

“Anyone who calls in, who does something strange that follows the guidelines, I’m putting on stage,” Craft vows. “It’ll be a bizarre night.”

Those who survive the audition will be taken outside the showroom where “America’s Funniest People”’ will get their bits down on tape. If the tapes are shown on TV, they become eligible for the $10,000 first prize.

For those who just want to watch, tickets are $5 at the door, with a two-drink minimum. Also available are tax-deductible $20 tickets (two drinks included) that benefit Step Into the Future, a program designed to promote self-esteem among teen-agers.