‘Where Have You Gone, Hal Morris?’

Washington Post columnist Tony Kornheiser is one baseball pundit happy to see the 1991 season grinding to a halt:

“As the games dwindle down to a precious few in baseball’s September song, we give thanks that . . . this relentlessly arid season is finally ending. Who was filming this baby, Ingmar Bergman? Talk about bringing in a dry crop. All the good stuff happened last year: George Steinbrenner got booted. Pete Rose went to the slammer. Cecil Fielder returned from Japan like some conquering sumo and hit 51 taters.

“What excited us this year?

“ Nada . Check the headlines:

“Another Manager Fired! Cal Ripken Jr. Plays in Every Game! Washington, D.C., Denied Expansion Franchise! Ben McDonald Feels Pain!

“This is new?”

Add Kornheiser: “Actually, the biggest story of 1991 was 1941. “This year was devoted to what happened 50 years ago. Joltin’ Joe and Teddy Ballgame. They were at the Rose Garden. They were at the All-Star game. They were on the bookshelves. They were in the newspapers. Day after day the nostalgic squibs about the 56-game hitting streak and the .406 average. A nation turned its lonely eyes to Joe DiMaggio and Ted Williams, and found the two of them still larger than life and more handsome than ever.”

Add two, Kornheiser: “Do you think 50 years from now they’ll be celebrating the Season of ’91 in hardback? Do you think they’ll have daily charts in the papers recapping that fantastic batting race between the extremely dignified Wade (Margo, I Thought I Told You Never to Call Me Here) Boggs and Julio (If I’m Not Good Enough to Start in the All-Star Game I’ll Kiss My Own Behind) Franco?

“Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like nothing good happened in ’91. I can think of two things: The Cubs fell out of the race about three hours into the season, so we didn’t have to listen to bleats and whines from those insufferable yuppie fans. And George Will didn’t grace us by adding to the literature. Oh, and sincere congratulations to Denver and Miami.”

Trivia time: The 1961 New York Yankees had six batters who hit 20 or more home runs. Name them.

Time warp: Paul Greving, 75, recently won the fourth flight of the Fargo (N.D.) Country Club championship. No one paid much attention to it until he hung his winner’s plaque alongside one he won for the same tournament--in 1933.

Watch the birdie: A headline in the San Francisco Examiner read: “Climber rethinks sport after death,” which caused the S.F. Chronicle’s Tom FitzGerald to comment: “In the next life, he’ll try badminton?”

But he loves Elvis: NFL reporter Chris Mortensen says Atlanta Falcon Coach Jerry Glanville has an ego problem. “It’s not just his personality that hurts his teams, it’s his football ego,” Mortensen writes in the Sporting News. “He has convinced himself that he knows it all--offense, defense, special teams and personnel.

“Consequently, he knows nothing.”

For what it’s worth: Texas cyclist Freddy Markham set a world record in the Human Powered Vehicle flying 1,000-meter time trial in Villerbaunne, France. Fast Freddy’s time: 53.42 seconds.

Trivia answer: Roger Maris (61), Mickey Mantle (54), Moose Skowron (28), Yogi Berra (22), John Blanchard (21) and Elston Howard (21).

Quotebook: Author Tom Clancy, a die-hard Baltimore Colt fan: “If you don’t have your own team to follow it’s not that much fun, and I’d rather sell my children to gypsies than be a Redskin fan.”