Approaching, Not Confronting, Your Neighbor

When a neighbor’s behavior seriously disturbs us, many of us do nothing about it. We go along sometimes for years, becoming more and more irritated and even physicallyill.

Why? Because we don’t know how to approach the neighbor.

We fear creating hard feelings that may never be repaired. We dread confrontation, escalation and retaliation. So we tolerate more than the law allows.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Most of the time you can resolve a neighbor problem early on by some careful planning and following a few do’s and don’ts.

Keeping two general principles in mind will help you tackle your problem.

First, use the assumption that the neighbor is unaware of any annoyance. The one who plays “Yankee Doodle Dandy” each night at mega-volume just when your head hits the pillow may really believe it helps everyone to sleep. Making the assumption he is unaware can’t hurt.

Second, never forget that you may actually be at fault for some minor irritation and not know it. Leaving King, the dog whocould sing bass in the choir, under your window at night could be the result of your tree’s annual debris and a neighbor who is too timid to speak up. Ask yourself how you would like to be approached if you were responsible for a problem.

Let’s look at some specific rules to follow that could make or break your attempts to approach this neighbor who is driving you to insanity:

1--Open lines of communication. Long before you complain, before you even have a problem, get out there and meet your neighbors. The long-range benefit of simply being able to call someone by name, of laying even the tiniest groundwork of good will is enormous when a problem arises. This is something every one of us should do--and do it now. Too busy or too shy? Making this effort is more important than your excuses.

2--Never be hasty. When a disturbance occurs, there are several reasons for not diving into the water too soon. Acting in anger, whether it’s racing over in your bathrobe and slippers, screaming through the telephone or bringing in the police, reveals your own lack of control and guarantees disastrous resentment.

But even more important, you need to wait to know just how serious the problem is--whether it will be ongoing or a single or occasional annoyance. You need more facts and therefore more time.

Suppose a new neighbor moves in and immediately throws a rowdy party that is still going strong at 2 a.m. You rush over, bristling with outrage and try to stop the party. Later you learn that the affair was a giant housewarming or an annual birthday party, that this neighbor is a quiet recluse the rest of the time. What have you done? You’ve spoiled your future relationship.

This same rule of wait-and-see applies when a barking dog appears on the scene. Maybe the neighbor is dog-sitting for one night, or trying a new dog outside, and will learn that it doesn’t work--without your help.

Stereo suddenly blasting? The neighbor could have invested several thousand dollars in a new system and wants to be enveloped in it just once for the experience.

Screaming fight next door? Well, people fight occasionally and in the heat of the battle they forget about the neighbors.

We’re talking about some tolerance here, but also about good common sense. You may want to turn up your own volume on a rare occasion.

Instead of running to the phone, start a list of what’s happened and when for your own satisfaction. If the problem recurs, now you’ve been tolerant, even if it means losing a little sleep. The third time you’ll be in a better position to take action, and your list may eventually prove useful.

3--Choose neutral ground. While you’re exercising all this tolerance and taking your time, observe the neighbor’s habits. What time does she get home from work? Does he water his yard at a certain hour? When does the trash go out? How about shopping trips or doing laundry?

What you’re looking for is a common ground, a place to meet that is not your territory and not your neighbor’s. A parking lot, sidewalk, laundry room, store or the boundary of properties are all possibilities. Choose a neutral spot for your chat to place you on equal footing and head off territorial defensiveness.

4--Talk about something else first. Try a subject of common interest. “Do you think it will ever rain?” “Do you think the city will pass that parks referendum?” “How about those Raiders?” Get the conversation going before you plunge into the complaint. Once you are talking, you can gently shift into the problem.

5--Use a question as an answer. Imagine the perfect scenario (and you can achieve it). You and the neighbor are out side by side watering your parched plants and complaining about the weather together. You look up at the neighbor’s monster tree loaded with dead menacing limbs and innocently ask, “What do you think we should do about this tree?” You’ve asked for an opinion instead of stating, “By golly, I hate that tree of yours; do something about it or else.”

How about: “Now that the weather is cooler and the windows are all open, do you think we should all turn down our TVs a little?” Or: “The walls in this building are so thin that the sound passes straight through them. Is there anything you can think of that we could do about it?”

With conversation first, common interests and neutral ground, the neighbor may help solve the problem and you have completely avoided any confrontation at all.

6--State the actual complaint. There are those neighbors who don’t get the message or don’t want to, and by now you know whom you are dealing with. If you must go further, try: “I’m sure you would want to know that your stereo (or tree, or collection of old cars in the yard) is disturbing me.” Explain why you are disturbed, for example that you couldn’t sleep Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday night (remember your list), or you fear the tree, or you think the yard affects property values on the street.

Don’t be afraid to say you are sorry, that you hate to complain. You really are sorry you have to complain and if you say it, then it’s easier for the neighbor to also say it.

Have a solution to the problem already in your mind and offer it. For instance, “Would you please be willing to keep the TV low after nine o’clock when I have to sleep?” “Would you be willing to trim this tree before it causes severe damage (or could we trim it together)?”

Be ready for a complaint against you; the neighbor may desperately grab for one. Head it off and keep it friendly by offering something like: “Please tell me about anything I may be doing that is annoying you.”

7--Show your own consideration for the neighbor. If for some reason you can’t use neutral ground, go over to the neighbor’s at a reasonable time when you are unlikely to disturb them--a weekend afternoon for example. If the problem is affecting someone else too (and it often is), go together and complain together.

Something as basic as what you wear can affect the outcome. Keep it casual. If you come calling dressed to the hilt in a coat and tie and the neighbor is in cut-off jeans, equal footing disappears and defensiveness is instinctive.

8--Never complain anonymously. Sure, it’s a lot easier to stick a note under somebody’s door than to confront them. If it’s necessary to complain in writing as a first step, take a deep breath and sign your name. When others are affected, get everyone you can to sign with you.

An anonymous note, phone call or report to the authorities can make the situation much worse than it already is. The neighbor can’t respond, and this goes against human nature. The result is a neighbor who feels isolated, can no longer trust anyone, because suspicious of everyone--a bad neighbor.

Sometimes all this courtesy and common sense just doesn’t work. And some neighbors can be nasty, mean and dangerous. Then you turn to the law for help.

But most of the time, these steps do work. Instead of developing ulcers, or having to deal later with a situation that escalates into warfare, you’ll have solved the problem through your own thoughtful efforts. And you’ll have gained what we all want in our lives--good neighbors.

Cora Jordan is an attorney and the author of “Neighbor Law: Trees, Fences, Boundaries and Noise,” published by Nolo Press, Berkeley, from which this article is adapted with permission. “Neighbor Law” is available in bookstores or by calling (800) 640-6656 in California or (800) 992-6656 elsewhere in the United States.