Nerve Poisons, Boric Acid: Lethal Weapons for Today’s Roach Warrior

Face it, we’re killers.

Sure, some members of our race like to sit on river banks and pen odes, and there are still people, God help them, who think it would be pretty great to be able to run in slow motion along the beach in flower-print bell bottoms with multicolored balloons trailing from their hands. But it’s a put-up job. Strip away all the layers of icky-poo and you’ll find Rambo.

And you’re not exempt from this analysis just because you don’t get a big charge out of watching John Wayne and Chuck Norris gun down a variety of slime balls on the late show. Don’t think that you don’t harbor a native blood lust just because you’d rather sit through “Swan Lake” than “Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia.” Nope. Read the next one-word paragraph, and I guarantee you’ll become apoplectic with murderous rage.

Cockroaches.

See? Revulsion, hatred, loathing, a sudden longing for a flamethrower--you’re feeling all those, aren’t you? Already you’re planning an emergency trip to the Army-Navy store to pick up a set of camouflage fatigues, a K-bar knife and bazooka ammo. You’re thinking of writing to H. Norman Schwarzkopf for tactical advice. You’re starting to believe Sylvester Stallone is a pretty unappreciated guy.

Right, then. Now that you’ve discovered the kill-crazy nerve that twangs within us all, at ease. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. I’m going to give you the straight poop on the crawly brown invaders. Think of it as Operation Kitchen Storm.

First, know your enemy. If it’s inside the house, you’re probably looking at either a German or a brown-banded cockroach (the larger American and Oriental varieties live outside, in delightful places such as sewers). They’re the most primitive living winged insects, having existed, almost unchanged, for about 320 million years. And, according to the Encyclopaedia Britannica, they don’t give a particular damn about anything or anybody: “The insect damages more material than it consumes and emits a disagreeable odour.”

Next, form an alliance with somebody with lots of weapons. This I have done, with Mike Lawton, the director of the training and technical division of the Irvine-based Western Exterminator Co., the oldest and largest killer of roaches and other godless heathen vermin in the state.

According to Lawton, roaches like warm, dark, moist places, and “they eat everything we eat.” They can get into the house by being brought in on food products, clothing, packaging material, “basically anything,” Lawton said.

In structures like apartment buildings, they often migrate from an adjacent unit through walls or common plumbing. Their hobby is carrying disease.

And if you’ve been seeing more of them lately, it may be because the weather has been ideal. Roaches, said Lawton, love temperatures between about 78 and 82 degrees, “and the more humidity the better.”

Step three: battle. Evolution and squatters’ rights may be on their side, but we have synergized pyrethrins, organo phosphate and synthetic pyrethroids. These are nerve poisons contained in various products that you can buy over the counter. They’re also used by professional exterminators, Lawton said.

Also in the arsenal are insect growth regulators, which keep the roaches from growing and reproducing (a pretty big deal when you consider that female German cockroaches can produce many millions of offspring within one year).

Another method of roach genocide involves the use of boric acid and stands to be the favorite of anyone with a fine sadistic streak. When it is applied to areas where roaches scuttle, it attaches itself to their fuzzy little legs. They then reflexively lick it off and ingest it. It’s a stomach poison, and it kills slowly, taking between 8 and 15 hours, Lawton said.

“We use a lot of boric acid,” he said. “The roaches don’t realize they’re being poisoned, so they’ll continue to visit the area.”

With some other poisons, he said, the stupid little bugs eventually wise up and avoid the area where the poison is spread.

It all works, however, provided the directions are followed to the letter.

There’s no guarantee the hardy little monsters won’t come back, though, so you might want to consider bringing in a pro if the roaches are starting to carry off the standing rib roast. A professional, Lawton said, uses spraying equipment that can deliver poison into the tiniest cracks and into walls using a fine mist and high pressure.

Prices likely range from about $65 to $150, depending on the size of the house and the length of time an exterminator can offer a guarantee that the insects won’t be back. A bonus: the same poison that kills roaches also kills several other insect pests.

The bad news, said Lawton, is that “you can never really know if they’re eradicated, theoretically. All you can say is that you don’t see any roaches.”

The good news is that even though roaches are going to inherit the earth, they’re not going to do it any time soon. Not while I can still get bazooka ammo on sale.