REPORT CARD / T.J. SIMERS : Sign It, Sigh and Send ‘Em to Week 9

B: QUARTERBACKS

Coming this week on “Now It Can Be Told”: Dan Henning tells Geraldo he knew John Friesz was the guy all along, but little men from outer space made him play Billy Joe Tolliver.

B: RUNNING BACKS

Using Ronnie Harmon only on third down is like making a pinch-hitter out of Tony Gwynn. Where’s the beef? Rod Bernstine stuffed at goal line on 4th and one.

D: RECEIVERS

Unofficial count: Craig McEwen--three dropped passes. Dog that entertained fans before game--two dropped Frisbees. No, Arthur Cox has no role in new movie: “Ernest Scared Stupid.”

D: OFFENSIVE LINE

A bunch of lugs matching the description of these guys were seen registering for the Glen Ivey “Win a trip to the Super Bowl.” Hey, it’s their only chance.

F: DEFENSIVE LINE

You can find Burt Grossman, George Hinkle, Mitchell Benson and George Thornton in the team picture the Chargers passed out to the fans Sunday. But why?

F: LINEBACKERS

Officials brought out the “homer hankies” and were busy spanking the Browns until Henry Rolling grabbed Eric Metcalf’s facemask. Remember when Billy Ray Smith played for the Chargers.

F: DEFENSIVE BACKS

Donald Frank gets beat consistently deep, the opposing quarterback overthrows the receiver and teammates congratulate Donald Frank. Look for Donald Frank to ask for a raise.

C+: SPECIAL TEAMS

If Kitrick Taylor evades punter, he scores. If John Carney isn’t wide left, Chargers win. If it continues like this, Redskins win Super Bowl and get No. 1 pick in draft.

F: COACHING

Henning said, “Matthew, Mark, Luke and John” aren’t writing for local papers. Vince hasn’t been coaching the local football team, and by end of the week, Dan might not be.