Forget the Turkey: Here’s a Slew of Foul Episodes to Ponder

On this day of counting blessings, don’t forget to give thanks for the diversity of television.

Once an assembly line of turkeys, TV is now a banquet of infinite choices, each program more distinct and wonderful (no snickering) than the next. For example, one thing you can bank on this week is that some of TV’s very best series will be celebrating Thanksgiving with special episodes crafted in their unique styles. Although I haven’t previewed their Thanksgiving episodes, I can just imagine. . . .

* “Hard Copy.”

Terry Murphy in the studio: “She was just another homemaker preparing for Thanksgiving dinner. The whole family was gathering: Cousin Maude from Kansas, Uncle Alphie from Minnesota, Grandma Nel from the farm. Relatives from all across the country were about to descend on this typical American household for a family gathering promising holiday warmth and cheer.

“But someone else got there first.

“And now, everyone in this once-quiet community is talking about . . . ‘The Thanksgiving Dinner Hostess Who Feasted on the Grocery Boy Before the Guests Arrived!!!’ ”

Dramatic re-enactment on tape: “Oh, baby, give it to me.”

Townswoman on tape: “She was always such a quiet soul.”

Dramatic re-enactment on tape: “I love it when you smear me with cranberry sauce.”

Terry Murphy in studio: “It’s quite a story. But first, from our hidden camera, these exclusive photos of turkeys mating. . . .”

* “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”

At a production meeting, a senior producer is showing host Bob Saget and the rest of the staff footage for Sunday’s Thanksgiving special:

“The little kid in the Pilgrim costume is riding his bike into the brick wall, and see? He’s out like a light.”

Saget: “Is this where I use my baby-goes- ouch voice?”

“Right, Bob, but the kid’s concussion is just a tease. Now the fun begins. See, we’re inside the kitchen here. And look at that woman. She’s opening the oven to see how the turkey’s doing, and see that? Her apron catches fire! And look at her flap her arms like a bird as she tries to put it out! Is this a funny video or what? And now look--she’s all ablaze.”

Saget: “Look, look, I’m a Roman candle.”

“Good quip, Bob. And now her husband is rushing in to help, but see that? He slips and hits his head on the sink, knocking himself unconscious. So is this a hoot? We have this human bonfire, the husband out cold, and now look at this, here comes the grandma. This is just great. The old bag can’t believe what she’s seeing. And this is where she has the stroke. See her? She’s clutching her chest, keeling over and landing face first in the pumpkin pie!”

Saget: “Yum, yum!”

“Great stuff, Bob. We’ll put it in the script. And here comes the payoff. Is this incredible? The whole kitchen’s on fire now. So here comes the family dog--see him?--and he’s catching fire too.”

Saget: “Bow wow! Doggie want a bone.”

“Just terrific, Bob. But before Fido goes down for the count, he runs across the street to a gas station and--you gotta see this, people--he brushes against a gas pump and blooey! Look, the whole neighborhood.”

Saget: “Neighborhood go boom boom.”

“Right, a Thanksgiving holocaust. Is this an Emmy or what? It’s people at their spontaneous best, the unexpected funny things that make our show so great. And we can just thank our lucky stars that the older son with the camcorder didn’t panic and kept on shooting it all.”

* “A Current Affair.”

Reporter speaking through a loudspeaker in chopper hovering above Marlon Brando’s Paris villa: “Mr. Brando, would you please tell us how you’re spending Thanksgiving, sir? Why aren’t you spending it with Cheyenne, Marlon? Why aren’t you spending it with Christian? Would you comment on the ugly rumors about you and yams? Any thoughts on how William Kennedy Smith is spending Thanksgiving, Marlon? Please, talk to us, Marlon. We’re parachuting down.”

* “Entertainment Tonight.”

Mary Hart: “For many years there’s been speculation that Marilyn Monroe did not commit suicide but was murdered. We now have a startling new theory that she was given an overdose of drugs by Mafia thugs disguised as turkeys.”

John Tesh: “And those Mafia thugs are starring in their own blockbuster special tonight on. . . .”

* “Sally Jessy Raphael.”

Sally: “I just don’t understand why a mother and a teen-age daughter can’t get along on Thanksgiving.”

Daughter: “She carves me white meat from the turkey.”

Mother: “You’re too young for dark meat!

Daughter: “Am not!”

Mother: “Dark meat turns you into a tramp!”

Daughter: “Does not!”

Mother: “First comes dark meat, then the G-string!”

Daughter: “Shut up, pig!”

Mother: “You shut up, slut!”

Daughter: “That hurts me.”

Mother: “You always hurt me.”

Daughter: “I didn’t know.”

Mother: “I should have told you.”

Daughter: “Can you forgive me?”

Mother: “Can you forgive me ?”

Daughter: “I’ll do the Thanksgiving dishes.”

Mother: “A little dark meat won’t hurt.”

Daughter: “Mom!”

Mother: “Poopsie!”

Sally: “Families: They make Thanksgiving special. We’ll break for a commercial now and return with men driven to murderous rages by sage dressing.”

* “The Joan Rivers Show.”

Rivers to guest: “While basting the transsexual turkey, you had how many orgasms?”