THE HOLIDAYS : Better Watch Out . . . : . . . A Sledful of Non-Traditional Santas Are Coming to Town. The Big Guy in Red Might Be Jewish, Gay or Nonwhite--or He Might Even Be a She.

Dear Santa:

You need a make-over, Mr. C. Kids hate that sit-in-my-lap routine. They wince when you bellow, “Have a Merrrrrry Christmas!” What are you, a deejay?

And why do you always look so Caucasian? Haven’t you stuffed your red bag with Crayola’s new “Skin Tones of the World” crayon box?

To survive in premillennial times, you gotta have a gimmick, and there are some innovative imitators out there. From stripper Santas to feminist, gay and politically correct versions, there’s plenty of material to draw from. Some have incorporated minor changes, others have scrapped the Santa script.

Better watch out. There’s even one guy in Glendale who thinks he’s you. Following are some suggestions for variations on your act:

First, consider Craig Weisman. He’s Jewish, works as a talent coordinator for game shows, lives in Burbank and plays a stripper Santa on weekends. Don’t worry, it’s a G-rated show.

At parties, Weisman strips to his surfer Santa outfit: red cutoffs, high-top red tennis shoes, green socks, sunglasses, white beard and a short-sleeve red shirt imprinted with tiny green Santas.

His elf--also known as his wife, Diane, 33--helps him with his act, performed at private parties and for casts of such TV shows as NBC’s “Cheers” and the syndicated game show “Win, Lose or Draw.”

“People sit on my lap and tell me what they want,” says Craig Weisman, 33, who has played Santa for four years. “Then I tug on my collar--I’m wearing my full Santa suit until now--and I say, ‘Gosh, it’s getting rather warm in here.’ The elf throws some fake snow up around me to try to cool me down and then I sing, ‘I’m a Little Snow Man.’ We’ve got a recording on tape. Then I tell the elf to hit it, and she throws on some stripper music.

“I take it off, throwing my coat on one lady and tossing my belt onto someone else. The elf keeps throwing snow. Then we do the ‘Santa Claus Wrap.’ It goes something like, ‘Wrap, wrap your packages--do the Santa Claus Wrap.’ ”

Weisman says being Jewish doesn’t interfere with his Santa performance art.

“Christmas is probably the only time of year when everyone unites and tries to make good with each other. I grew up going to see Santa Claus at Macy’s and the tree in front of Rockefeller Center.”

The Weismans also do “Jewish Christmas” parties where they sing Hanukkah and Christmas songs.

“Unfortunately, there’s only so many Hanukkah songs,” he says. “There’s ‘Dreidl, Dreidl, Dreidl’ and another one I can’t think of right now. So we’re limited.”

The couple plan to incorporate other characters into their act this year and hope to operate a Santa service that features odd holiday acts. Among them is a stripper elf named Kitten Natividad who starred in such Russ Meyer 1970s cult films as “Up” and “Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens.”

“We’re working on the costume now--I’m very hard to fit,” says Natividad, who gives her measurements as 44-24-37. “I’ll sing a little bit and dance.” Natividad, 43, works as a stripper five nights a week at Ft. Knox nightclub in South Gate.

Bodybuilder Jay Giovanni will strip as Santa this year with the Weismans acting as his booking agents. Giovanni, 31, who lives in Sherman Oaks, has worked as a male exotic dancer for 12 years and once toured with Chippendale dancers for two weeks. His Santa suit is tailor made (size 58 jacket) to accommodate 235 pounds of mostly muscle from 22 years of pumping iron, mainly at Venice’s Gold’s Gym.

Politically correct Santas have increased in number at such Santa hiring agencies as Western Temporary Services, based in Walnut Creek.

“Stereotypes of Santa as Caucasians, and even as males, are breaking down,” says Dale Vollrath, Western’s regional vice president. “We’re hiring more black, Hispanic and Asian Santas and even a few women. Sometimes women break the stereotype a bit too much and kids get upset. They expect an older man.”

Covese Silken, who is also taking bookings through the Weismans, is planning to work as a black Mrs. Claus this year at private parties in the San Fernando Valley and Los Angeles.

“I’m six feet tall and have the personality of the late, great Pearl Bailey, honey,” says Silken, who lives in West Hollywood and works as a full-figured model. “The spirit of Mrs. Claus has been in me all of my life. I’ve always liked spreading cheer wherever I go.”

An independent filmmaker who is shooting a documentary about Santa Claus hasn’t spoken to any women Santas in the two dozen interviews she has filmed.

“I did find a shopping mall in Brooklyn where they had a North Pole Santa who was white and a South Pole Santa who was black,” said Lisa Leeman, who lives in Los Angeles. “After visiting the South Pole Santa, a little black girl jumped up into the white Santa’s lap and said, ‘Hey Santa! I just had my chocolate, now I want my vanilla.’ So much for forced segregation.”

Leeman’s one-hour documentary, to be completed in time for Christmas, 1992, is an in-depth study of why children believe in Santa Claus. She hopes the film will be aired on public television.

Gay Santa Michael Bruno works private parties and visits AIDS hospices and hospital wards in the Valley and Los Angeles, including Pioneer House, an AIDS hospice in Van Nuys.

“At parties, I’ll do Bette Davis or Carol Channing impressions the entire night,” says Bruno, 36, who lives in Hollywood. “I sit on people’s laps instead of having them sit on mine.”

Bruno also performs at Christmas parties, giving out flavored condoms. He dresses in red hot pants trimmed in white fur, black leather knee-high boots, red vest and a black feather, fur-trimmed hat.

At AIDS hospices and hospital wards, he distributes teddy bears, candy and toiletries.

“Patients love it,” says Bruno, who has worked as Santa for a decade. “Christmas is a very depressing time for many people, especially if you have a terminal illness like AIDS. Some AIDS patients have no one to visit them. So I provide some entertainment value, bringing in some outside life to them.”

Clowning around as Santa has become a way of life for a North Hollywood couple who use their training as clowns to enhance their Mr. and Mrs. Claus act.

“We use improvisational skills we learned in the circus--like using objects to entertain children and just laughing a lot,” says Brenda Graham, who lives in North Hollywood with her husband Jimmy.

The couple attended Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus’ clown college several years ago and work as clowns at such outlets as Circus Circus in Las Vegas. They have been performing at private parties as Santa and Mrs. Claus for three years.

“We’re not your traditional sit-down Santa and Mrs. Claus,” says Jimmy Graham. “We’re very animated. You have to be because your face is covered. We use a lot of big body motions.”

Perhaps the most curious twist on the traditional Santa Claus is a Glendale resident who believes he is Old St. Nick.

Robert George, well-known among Valley residents, sued the city of Glendale in 1987 for $1.5 million after city officials ordered him to remove extensive Christmas decorations on his home’s exterior. Neighbors complained of the decorations and of numerous visits to the Alameda Avenue home by disabled and terminally ill children.

George and the city reached an agreement in early 1988 in which George, 68, would curtail his lavish holiday displays. But a plastic front yard Santa still commands a sleigh whether it be January or July.

The inside of George’s home is also decked with Christmas kitsch throughout the year. His garage, appointed with trees, assorted decorations and a mammoth red velvet chair, is Santa’s headquarters--where George says he greets about 250 children each month.

Nebraska native George says his calling came to him in a dream in 1949.

“I saw that I was supposed to become the real Santa and become the true spirit of Christmas,” George says, stroking his authentic curly white beard.

George, who was a barber, says he became the official Presidential Santa after President Dwight D. Eisenhower invited him to the White House in the 1950s at the request of a Nebraska senator. He continued his visits with subsequent presidents, through the Carter Administration. Despite being contacted by George, Ronald Reagan didn’t invite him to Pennsylvania Avenue, nor has President Bush.

“A lot of people think I’m crazy in thinking I’m Santa Claus,” says George, whose wife, Stella, 64, works at Fidelity Federal Bank in Glendale. “But many thousands of people have said my eyes, nose and face really look like Santa. They say the spirit of Christmas lives within me.”

Pamela Williams, a makeup artist for film and TV who also does George’s makeup and hair for personal appearances, agrees.

“A few years back, my grandchildren were told there was no Santa Claus,” says Williams, 43, who lives in Sun Valley. “So we took them down to meet Santa” at George’s house “and then invited him to our house. Now they believe.”

Williams says wherever George goes, people stop him to comment on his appearance.

“Even walking through K mart, I’ve seen adults push kids out of the way to see him--and he’s wearing coveralls, not his red suit,” she says.

Does Williams believe George is the real Mr. C.?

“I believe this man has given his life to the happiness of others since 1949--and if that’s Santa Claus, so be it,” says Williams, pausing.

“But you know, I think he really might be Santa.”

Foster writes regularly for Valley View.