And the ’91 Pop Follies Awards Go to . . .

Pop Stars do the funniest things. You know it’s been a wacky year when Hammer endorses his own kiddie doll (now he’s Barbie’s celebrity pal), Michael Jackson makes MTV promise to refer to him as “the king of pop,” Paula Abdul has her old Laker cheerleader outfit retired and the Judds go out on a Farewell Tour that almost lasted longer than Vanilla Ice’s entire career.

Some people may have laughed when Prince showed up wearing a bottom-less jungle-print pantsuit for his big “Fellini Satyricon” number at the MTV Awards. But 1991 was the year to strip down to the bare essence. Take Cher (please!), who appeared in the ads for her concert tour showing off her bottom, bare except for a pair of neatly symmetrical tattoos. And then there was Madonna, who went topless in her own movie; Big Daddy Kane, who went bottomless in the June issue of Playgirl, and LL Cool J, who has yet to be photographed this year with his shirt on.

No matter what’s your favorite part of the pop star anatomy, it was a banner year for Pop Follies. To celebrate the music world’s clown princes, Pop Eye presents its yearly roundup of dubious achievements, inglorious moments and show-biz misadventures.

Rock Video of the Year: Houston police have been on the lookout for a video pornographer who persuaded three very naive teen girls to pose nude for his camcorder, saying he was shooting a New Kids on the Block video. According to a Rolling Stone account of the scam, the man told the girls their outfits would be superimposed onto the finished video with computer graphics.

Where’s Casey Kasem When You Really Need Him: There have been so many rap hits in the past several years with lyrics about safe sex that Berkeley radio station KALX-FM instituted a “Condom Countdown” earlier this year, featuring such songs as “Go See the Doctor” by Kool Moe Dee,” “Condom Sense” by Magnetic Force, “Double Bag It” by Papa Lindley and “Jimmy Hat” by Lady Levi.

Of Course It Would’ve Been Different if Pat Buchanan Had Been Running: A celebrated group of pop and movie stars appeared in MTV public-service announcements earlier this year to support the much-ballyhooed Rock the Vote campaign. But a Rolling Stone story revealed that most of the pop stars involved--including Madonna, Hammer, Lenny Kravitz and Iggy Pop--never bothered to vote last November.

Jim Morrison Fan of the Year: While in Paris this fall playing in a celebrity tournament, Lakers reserve center Jack Haley visited the Doors rock god’s grave, where he left as an offering: a fifth of Jack Daniel’s.

Now That’s Fact Checking!: To Entertainment Weekly, who calculated that Michael Jackson touched his “private parts” 13 times during his ill-fated “Black or White” video, which was re-edited this fall after protests over images of violence and masturbation in the original version of the clip.

Song Title of the Year: Samantha Fox’s “Hurt Me, Hurt Me (But the Pants Stay On).”

We Can’t Wait to See What Happens When She Wins an Oscar: While presenting a Grammy this year, 1990 Grammy winner Bonnie Raitt quipped: “I don’t know about you, but winning a Grammy sure helped me get laid.”

Elvis Sighting of the Year: When Bo Jackson got out of his limo and hobbled out to a news conference announcing his release from the Kansas City Royals this spring, he found himself surrounded by such a mad crush of TV crews that he quipped: “Where’s Elvis?”

Maybe It Really Was Michael Jackson in Disguise: According to the Yiddish newspaper the Forward, when Bob Dylan came forward at ne’ilah services at a Los Angeles Chabad temple for psichah , the ritual opening of the ark, he looked unrecognizable in rumpled pants and a backwoods cap with earflaps. Concerned about the welfare of this disheveled man, a wealthy congregant approached the rabbi the next day, saying: “I know that Chabad gets involved with all sorts of people. But this is the first time I saw a homeless man get a psichah .”

Well, At Least He Didn’t Borrow From Michael Bolton: When Jerry Brown announced his presidential candidacy this fall, he orated: “We carry in our hearts the true country and that can’t be stolen. We follow in the spirit of our ancestors and that cannot be broken.” Sound familiar? It’s an almost verbatim lift from Midnight Oil’s 1988 hit, “The Dead Heart.” When accusations of plagiarism surfaced, Brown handlers told the Washington Post that he had cited his source in an “information sheet” given out before the speech.

Doting Husband of the Year: Insisting that honesty is the best policy with his new 21-year-old wife, Rachel Hunter, Rod Stewart told Rolling Stone this summer: “It’s impossible for me to remember everybody I’ve made love to. I try and point them out if Rachel and I are out together and we bump into someone I’ve dated before.”

What’ll They Say When They See “JFK”?: Dismissing Oliver Stone’s sprawling Jim Morrison biography as “wearying cinematic frenzy,” the London Times critic sniffed: “Asking Oliver Stone to direct a thoughtful little film about the Doors is like asking an elephant to crochet a shawl.”

OK, Now Jim Morrison Is Really Mad: Desperate for ratings, Pirate Radio put up a series of billboards across L.A. emblazoned with the slogan: “Less Music By Dead Guys.”

Oh, So THAT’S What She’s Famous For: Upset that the media has described La Toya Jackson’s biggest claim to celebrity as being a superstar’s sister, her husband and manager Jack Gordon told US magazine: “Did you know La Toya sold more Playboys than any girl in history? No one has ever credited her with that.”

Maybe the Ninja Turtles Weren’t Available: Prince fans who bought tickets, posters and banners for the Purple One’s concert outside London this summer were greeted with plugs for an unusual rock advertiser--Tambrands. Asked why the British tampon firm sponsored the show, product manager Angie Sax told England’s Music Week: “We felt it was another way to reach the 10- to 14-year-old audience.”

Cool-Headed Exec of the Year: Angered when Pere Ubu manager Jamie Kitman issued a press release complaining that Mercury Records was too cheap to spend $2,500 to fly his band to New York for an appearance on “Late Night With David Letterman,” then-Mercury co-president Mike Bone told the Chicago Tribune: “I’d like to rip Kitman’s head off and (expletive) down histhroat.”

QUIZ TIME

Match the rock campaign song with the presidential candidate: (See answers below.)

Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run” Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop (Thinkin’ About Tomorrow)” Jimmy Cliff’s “You Can Get It If You Really Want” Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do (I Do It for You)” Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton

Ex-Gov. Jerry Brown

Nebraska Sen. Bob Kerrey

Ex-Nazi David Duke

ANSWERS: Sen. Bob Kerrey’s theme is Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run.” Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton’s is Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop (Thinkin’ About Tomorrow).” Ex-Gov. Jerry Brown’s is Jimmy Cliff’s “You Can Get It If You Really Want.” And ex-Nazi David Duke’s is Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do (I Do It for You)” (which so incensed Adams that he asked Louisiana radio stations to stop playing the song during the state’s fall gubernatorial campaign).