Peace on Earth? Goodwill Toward Men? Humbug!

A friend of mine said he’s detected an air of negativity in these columns. I challenged him to provide specifics, and he cited what he claims are recurring themes of mine that our society is disintegrating and we’re all doomed.

Well, if that’s your idea of being negative. . . .

Sheesh, I thought I was just being helpful.

Lest you think I’m unduly pessimistic, sample from the following collection of what your fellow human beings did to each other during 1991. All are from the Associated Press and are submitted for your perusal exactly as they appeared on the wires.

SEATTLE: A woman says her husband kept her chained to the kitchen wall for the entire seven months of their marriage.

GENOA, N.Y.: A farmer shot a plumber during a 16-hour siege that ended with police fatally shooting the gunman, authorities said. At one point, the gunman requested a spacecraft to take him away, authorities said.

VISTA, Calif.: A woman who mortally wounded her husband and later told sheriff’s deputies to close the couple’s bedroom door so she wouldn’t hear him “whining about dying” has been convicted of first-degree murder.

INDIANAPOLIS: A prosecutor has dropped charges against a woman who tried to carry a cup of water into the Hoosier Dome. But he warned her: Don’t do it again.

SACRAMENTO: A 26-year-old man was arrested early Monday for hitting his wife with a frozen squirrel, police said.

LEXINGTON, Ky.: A choir member threw liquid drain cleaner into the face of a fellow singer during a church service, causing serious burns, for singing off key at rehearsal, police said.

CLAYTON, Mo.: A dog food salesman was charged with assault and impersonation after allegedly dropping gallon jugs of wine on the toes of three grocery store workers and then posing as a doctor and trying to rub their feet.

OCEANSIDE, Calif.: A woman was arrested after she allegedly tried to choke her husband to death with a golf club as he slept, police said.

OLYMPIA, Wash.: At the end of a 16-month motivational course, supervisors at the state Department of Ecology got the satisfaction of smashing a nearly 1-inch-thick board with their hands. Curt Eschels broke his right arm in two places. Gary Hanson broke his wrist.

CHOWCHILLA, Calif.: A man who strangled his mother and then committed suicide may have been depressed, Madera County Sheriff Glenn Seymour said Monday.

KANKAKEE, Ill.: James R. Bridgewater, 32, was carrying two white bags from another bank when he stopped at First of America’s drive-through facility. One bag contained money; the other contained rolling papers, three marijuana cigarettes and a small amount of marijuana in a plastic bag. Police said Bridgewater placed the wrong bag in the pneumatic tube. They said he was still waiting for his deposit receipt when they arrived to arrest him.

SAN DIEGO: A man accused of stealing a Christmas tree from a grocery store was killed by a hit-and-run driver after he turned to shout at store workers who chased him, officials said.

CHICAGO: A 225-pound pig that ran loose on a highway, clogging traffic, until it rolled over and died will be fed to the needy, authorities said.

VICTORVILLE, Calif.: A carpenter on trial for killing and eating his neighbor’s dog, Astro, told the court he butchered the animal and barbecued it because he found the meat irresistible. “Once the dog was dead,” the man’s lawyer told the court, “there was no reason not to eat him.”

LITTLE ROCK, Ark.: A toll-free telephone number that takes reports of poaching and hunting violations in Arkansas has been expanded to include grave robbers.

And on the foreign front, the Reuters news agency dispatched the following from Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania: A woman hacked her husband to death with a hoe after she found condoms in his trouser pockets.

Now, I ask you, are we doomed or not?

Hey, I almost forgot--Happy New Year.