Commentary : Envisioning a World of Four-Minute Miniseries

This just in from the ABC marketing and research department: Viewers are rejecting network television with alarming speed.

“Well, duhhh,” as we used to say in grammar school. Most of us on this side of the screen already know that. But what you may not know is just how fast people are turning off.

According to ABC figures presented recently in Los Angeles, 40% of the people who sat down to watch a new network show this fall tuned out within the first 10 minutes of the premiere.

The good news is, that’s the kind of audience reaction that makes programmers sit up and take notice. The bad news is, they still don’t know what to do about it.

Already there is half-serious talk in TV circles about the possibility of creating remote control-proof programming--shows so dramatic, so different, so exciting, viewers will become hooked instantly and take their finger off the button.

But how about taking it one step further? Why not just make every show 10 minutes long?

It certainly wouldn’t be a difficult concept to promote.

How about one of those patronizing little spots where an announcer says something like, “We know in the ‘90s, with your busy lifestyle, you don’t have time to watch plots thicken, characters develop--you don’t even have time for your family. Well now, the waiting is over. Less really is more, tonight on CBS.”

Of course, not all our favorite shows would survive. Say goodby to the hourlong drama--the few that are left. Take off “I’ll Fly Away”! It’s curtains for “Life Goes On”! “Northern Exposure,” we’ll miss you.

Other programs, perhaps, could be salvaged with simple name changes.

“Nightline” would become “Nightlite.” “60 Minutes”? Well, you can figure it out for yourself.

A lot of programming wouldn’t have to change at all. The evening news? It’s pretty much a 10-minute affair as it is, particularly once you cut the anchor chit-chat and the cute animal stories.

The average cop show would cut to the chase, solve the crime, crash through the door and catch the bad guys in the time it used to take to roll the credits.

No more frittering away precious minutes, valuable air time, with boy-meets-girl, boy-loses-girl, boy-gets-girl convention. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl and that’s that.

Think of the talk shows, all the new dysfunctions to be explored: “Men who love to watch too much and the women who try to turn them off.”

You want comedy and you want it now? How about a show called “Punchline,” where the comics skip the setups and get to the joke.

Cable, in an attempt to counterprogram, would re-release its R-rated movies in excised form--with just the sex and the violence left in. In the wings would be a 24-hour, All-Credits channel where you get the best in opening themes, panoramic cityscapes and action-packed posing.

Miniseries would take four minutes instead of four nights. PBS would offer “Masterpiece Skits.”

The duds each fall season would be canceled faster and forgotten sooner, thereby speeding them along to their final destination--Nick at Nite.

And maybe best of all, because everything would be moving so fast, we wouldn’t have to dig the channel changer out from under the couch cushions anymore.

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