THE HUMAN CONDITION : WHY WE READ THE TABS : The Inside Story

You don’t mean to, but you can’t resist. You stop. You look. You nervously lookaround to see who’s looking at you looking at it.

You scan the page. You need to know what’s really going on with Madonna’s love life. And what if Satan really has escaped from hell? A quick peek inside the Star, the National Enquirer or maybe the Weekly World News will satisfy that urge.

Like the 600-pound Australian farmer who was whisked away by a UFO, you are not alone.

Lurking in the back of everyone’s mind is a desire to know the intimate details of other people’s lives. The sleazy, the grotesque, the completely immoral. And tabloids fill that need. For about a dollar, you can find out everything you never wanted to admit you wanted to know about people you’ll never meet.

Why is it that people who consider themselves sane and civilized find their eyes drawn to stories of celebrity affairs and aliens landing on a small farm in South Dakota?

Since before the days when Robert LeRoy Ripley introduced odd and unusual human phenomena through his cartoon feature in 1918, people have been attracted to the outrageous, psychologists say. We are innately curious about other people’s lives and the dark side of human nature, and tabloids, like soap operas and romance novels, fill the bill. Everyone loves a good story.

“People haven’t changed. They’ve always been interested in the bizarre,” says Los Angeles psychologist Stuart Fischoff. “Now they get a steady diet of it. People used to go to public hangings. The message hasn’t changed, just the medium.”

In fact, people seem more interested in celebrity scandal and the possibility of soap bubbles bringing back the dead than they are in the breakup of the Soviet Union.

The National Enquirer and the Star, with weekly sales each of more than 3 1/2 million copies, have almost triple sales of any mainstream publication. The Globe sells more than 1 1/2 million copies, the National Examiner and Weekly World News more than a million each.

“I like to amuse myself with it,” says Peggy Kuo, 56, of Los Angeles, who buys the Globe regularly. “I like to see what happened to famous people. I believe what they say, because they usually show pictures with it.”

Kuo isn’t the only true believer at the checkout counter.

But Wayne Streeva, a merchandiser for Hughes Market, insists that tabloids would sell just as well at the back of the store: “When the trucks pull up to deliver the tabloids, we have people ripping at the bundles to get at them.”

Who are these worshipers of the Tab?

There are two camps: Those who read for the juicy gossip and those who read for the descriptions of psychic phenomena.

“The difference is that one group is dealing with a kind of sleazy reality and the other a boredom-induced desire for fantasy,” Fischoff says.

While the for-fun readers might just be seeking temporary amusement, the typical inveterate reader--the working-class woman, middle-aged or older, who spends most of her time at home--might be perpetuating feelings of powerlessness and negativity, says media psychologist Ellen McGrath.

This woman--and the demographics say these readers are mostly women--often feels trapped and depressed, and lives vicariously through the magazines, says McGrath, who specializes in popular culture.

“Combined with a food addiction, reading tabloids and watching soap operas just continues the cycle of feeling powerless and depressed,” says McGrath. “We’re not talking about the casual reader, but the woman in Nebraska with a husband and three kids who is economically dependent, wears a muumuu and reads the tabloids till the soaps start.”

But even casual readers turn to tabloids as a way to escape problems in their lives. “Even professionals I know are sneaking peeks at the newsstands,” McGrath says.

“Times are tough, and the tabloids are really wonderful adult comic books. They are a portable diversion, they can be read any time, anywhere--they sit well in this escapist culture.”

Indeed, for those struggling with the daily problems of living, reading about celebrity problems can be comforting.

“I read the articles about Fergie and her husband,” says Frances Ross, 69, who insists that she buys the Globe and the Star for the crossword puzzle. “You hear the same stuff on TV, so I know it’s true.”

Says Karen Taglianetti, a 29-year-old Westside property manager, who describes herself as a voracious reader of all tabloids: “I read them to see that people have problems and addictions like everyone else. It makes those people more human and brings them down to Earth, instead of being demigods.”

“I love it,” says Christopher Endemann, 51, a beauty salon owner and former subscriber to the National Enquirer. “I stopped subscribing because half the joy is in going to the market and getting it. I like getting it first. Subscribers get it after the newsstands.

“It’s the most-read paper in the salon. People always say ‘Who buys this trash?’ but everyone reads it--although they won’t admit it.”

People do seem reluctant to admit they read or buy a tabloid. But at the checkout aisles of any grocery store, most people will have their eyes glued to the likes of “I WAS BIGFOOT’S LOVE SLAVE!”

“This is my first time buying one,” insisted Irma Imbimbo, a 42-year-old bank teller, caught with a copy of the Star in her cart at Hughes Market in West Los Angeles. “I’m so embarrassed.”

Although overall tab sales have gone down slightly during the recession, who’s on the cover has a strong influence on sales.

“When they have (Mike) Tyson or Magic Johnson, or a big name on the cover, we sell a lot. Mostly the older ones buy them, others just read them in line,” says Hughes grocery checker Craig Mukogawa.

“Sometimes I pick out a long line so I can finish reading a story,” admits Susie Bryman, 43, a physical education teacher. “It’s trash. I don’t believe what I read about people. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with (tabloids), except when they interfere with politics, or destroy someone’s career.”

But despite their protestations, people do believe what they read. The Star’s allegations of an affair between presidential hopeful Bill Clinton and sometime nightclub singer Gennifer Flowers forced Clinton to publicly defend himself.

Celebrities recognize the power tabloids can have on their careers, so many buy them to keep up with what is or is not being said about them.

“Many celebrities buy the tabloids, and if something particular is going on in their lives, they’ll buy all three,” says Rob Battle of the Book Nook, an upscale Brentwood book store frequented by celebrities. “When I see that, I know it’s a bad sign, and (it) sends me racing to see what happened.”

Despite stereotypes of the typical tabloid-buyer, Battle says all types buy--from the maid to the matriarch to the nun who used to buy the Enquirer each week, then hide it in her habit.

Tabloid editors know they have hit a gold mine, a fact that hasn’t escaped store managers. Tabs are strategically placed to encourage impulse buying in the checkout line. Publications pay a fee, which varies from store to store and depends on a number of factors including top-rack versus bottom-rack displays, for such prime placement.

The fact is, stories about dolphins with arms, lust-crazed pilots and flying babies sell.

“We offer readers outlandish stories, but we don’t insult them because we present the question, ‘It can’t be true, can it?’ ” says Eddie Clontz, editor of the Weekly World News, which focuses on the bizarre and the occult.

The Weekly World News--which tracks UFOs and Loch Ness monster sightings--boasts a wide following, from college students to professionals.

“People need an escape, there’s so much reality that is difficult,” Clontz says. “With the recession and all the other problems, we serve a very good purpose. I can’t think of anyone who would be adversely affected. People are uplifted--they want to believe.”

Even Elvis might agree.