THE WIDENING WORLD OF DISNEY : Mickey Goes to France : An Adult and a Child Sample the New Euro Disney Outside Paris : Awfully American for Grown-ups

There’s this thing about theme parks that makes me hungry. All the schlepping around, all the waiting in line. All the rambunctious energy that the kids give off. Guess I’ll eat a bagel with cream cheese. Or a baked potato stuffed with chili. Wait, wait. I could have a hot dog with deli mustard or a burger on a sesame seed bun. Popcorn, doughnuts, French fries. You know, the usual Disney fare.

Except I’m in France. Only 20 miles from the world headquarters of gastronomy. And what I want for lunch is jambon au pain or even a simple croque monsieur .

I’m not going to get it here, in Euro Disneyland, the new theme park just east of Paris that reeks a kind of sterile Americana. Almost everything, from the faux-Victorian Main Street to a dinner show where guests are served barbecued spare ribs in frying pans, is designed to look and feel like the American Old West.

Luckily for the children of Europe, Monsieur Mickey and Mademoiselle Minnie and the other cast of Disney characters are aboard the wagon train. In fairness, there’s also a Sleeping Beauty Castle in the center of the park, the fairy-tale rides, familiar fireworks show at night and a pretty impressive parade of lights that closes the park at 10. But it’s truly the legends of cowboys and Indians that rule this land.

So oww-dee , as they say in these parts, and welcome to a new slice of Europe.

It’s not a place where American tourists worth their weight in foie gras would care to spend more than a day or two of their European vacation. And it’s certainly not a singular reason to bring the kids to France. In fact, devotees of Walt Disney World in Orlando or Disneyland in Anaheim will find the park tame and repetitive; it’s pretty much a clone of the Magic Kingdoms on both U.S. coasts. And as of yet, there’s no Epcot and no Disney-MGM Studios to appeal to the adult crowd, although expansion plans are under way.

It’s just the kind of place where John Wayne-loving Europeans can get a dose of what they must think is America. And after standing in hourlong lines last week with French, German, Italian and English families, it was clear to me that Disney is giving them exactly what they want. (Thousands of fathers with video cameras were there, taping it all for posterity.)

Of course, my impressions of Euro Disney are not verified by my 10-year-old daughter, who agreed to accompany me on a three-day tour of Paris in exchange for three days at Euro Disney. While Alexandra found the Louvre “boring” and the Champs-Elysees “polluted,” she found the Disney resort “most awesome,” the food “most excellent” and the attractions “most cool.” An all-American kid in an all-American land.

Despite some opening-week kinks in early April that included a strike on the train line from Paris to the park and computer breakdowns at some of the six Disney hotels, things seemed to be running well when we were there at the end of last month.

We took the A4 RER train from Paris to the park for about $6 each, a painless 50-minute ride. (Take the regular Metro subway to the Etoile, Chatelet or Nation stops and transfer to the RER’s red line that reads Marne-la-Vallee.) By comparison, a cab from downtown Paris to Euro Disney costs about $65.

We checked into the park-perimeter Hotel Cheyenne, which is set up to look like (surprise) an old frontier town. The building where our room was located was named after Wild Bill Hickok; it’s beloved by children because there’s not only a double bed for their parents, there are bunk beds for them. In the sand courtyard outside are wagon trains for the younger ones to play on. The hotel staff, dressed in variations of cowboy and cowgirl outfits, greet guests with a “howdy” at every turn.

Food is served in the Chuck Wagon Cafe--the Western motif is so prominent, there are horse saddles on top of stools at the bar. The prices are exorbitant, one breakfast costing us close to $30. Most of the food is “cowboy style,” including grits, chili, corn on the cob, ham and eggs. (How odd it was, indeed, to see French and Italians eating barbecued ribs with knife in right hand and overturned fork in left.) The beer here is Budweiser.

Right outside the hotel door is a bright yellow bus that takes guests on a two-minute ride to the entrance of Euro Disneyland, the official name of the theme park. Here, the financial shock intensifies. A one-day pass for adults, depending upon the strength of the dollar against the franc, is about $42; tickets for children under 11 cost $28. Two- and three-day passes are slightly cheaper per day.

Once inside the gates, the layout is simple. The park has been divided into five themed lands with about 29 attractions: Main Street USA, Frontierland, Adventureland, Fantasyland and Discoveryland, all covering about 136 acres. You either walk it or take the Euro Disneyland Railroad around it, getting off at the rides of your choice.

Our favorites were Star Tours and Autopia in Discoveryland, Big Thunder Mountain and Phantom Manor in Frontierland, Pirates of the Caribbean in Adventureland and Peter Pan’s Flight in Fantasyland. The only really new attractions for American Disney veterans are Alice’s Curious Labyrinth, a maze in Fantasyland, and Visionarium, a 360-degree big-screen theater with a story line adapted from Jules Verne and H.G. Wells. The horror house, Phantom Manor, is a bit scarier than similar attractions at U.S. Disney parks, and was kind of worth the 70-minute wait in the rain. Other familiar rides are It’s a Small World and the Mad Hatter’s Tea Cups.

Almost all the signs in the park are in English only, and all of the attendants, called “cast members” by Disney, speak some English. At each ride, they are dressed in costumes to match the particular theme, and the space suits at the Star Tours ride were worthy of a Parisian fashion runway.

Main Street USA, which ends at Sleeping Beauty’s Castle--called Le Chateau de la Belle au Bois Dormant in out-of-character deference to the French--has yet more of the bygone-era theme. There are street cars drawn by horses, a double-decker bus, a firetruck and paddy wagon and roving bands of barbershop quartets and oom-pah bands.

Stores selling incredibly overpriced Disney souvenirs are behind faux-Victorian facades. There are a couple of nice ice cream stands and candy shops, a city hall and a place to rent baby strollers. Foreign currency exchange booths are set up throughout the park; no commission is charged for changing dollars into francs, and the exchange rate is no worse than anyplace else in the Paris area.

There are three bad things about having to eat in the park: the food, the price of the food and the wait for the food. For example, we had dinner one night at Walt’s on Main Street, a charming-looking restaurant decorated in period Victorian furnishings. But despite the encouragement of a sweet waitress, who was practicing her very broken English on us, the guinea fowl was too foul to eat and the salad was drowned in an unidentifiable dressing.

One day at lunch, we wandered into the Explorer’s Club in Adventureland, an African-theme eatery where the servers dress in safari suits. I ordered the turkey stew, which turned out to be a bowl of rice and chickpeas with a turkey leg turned upside down stuck in the middle. It was surrounded by avocado and some form of tasteless orange melted cheese.

One family from London told us they were unable to eat the food they ordered at the Silver Spur Steakhouse in Frontierland. They said they were doubly disappointed to find that no alcohol is sold in the park, even in the fancier restaurants. (Liquor is available at the hotels.)

The fast-food is edible, if you like hot dogs and hamburgers, but the long line for stuffed baked potatoes in Frontierland and the queue for doughnuts in Discoveryland were maddening, especially since Europeans with wriggling children do not seem to behave well in lines. As for the bagels and cream cheese, sold out of a cart near the Sleeping Beauty Castle, well, the line was pretty short here, but eating a $3 bagel in France is as odd as eating pizza in Malaysia.

Just outside the Euro Disneyland gates is a part of the resort called Festival Disney, an American-looking mall where you can buy anything from a corned beef on rye to surfing trunks. There’s also a New York diner, dance hall saloons, video arcade and Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show.

This dinner show is one of the bigger draws at Euro Disney. Each night, at 6 and 9, 1,000 people file into a large arena and are divided into four tiered seating sections, or teams. Tables are set with pewter bowls and frying pans, and a dinner of chili, ribs, chicken and hot apple pie, Texas-style, is served by cowhands while the show commences in the center of the arena. There’s a cattle roundup, a buffalo stampede (about a dozen buffalo), stunt riding, Indian games, galloping horses and the majestic appearances of Annie Oakley, Sitting Bull and Buffalo Bill, with his long silver hair and great white horse, Charlie.

“Eeee-awww,” the crowd chants in a strange mixture of accents, as it cheers on the cowboys and Indians on its team. All this for $60 per person, $40 for children. But hey, at this point, who’s counting?

For those curious Americans needing a Disney fix, probably the best way to see the park is as a very brief side trip to this part of Europe. More than two days in the park would be excessive. In fact, here’s what I would do if I had to do it all over:

I’d fly to Paris, check into a charming hotel in the Marais and have dinner at Bofinger near the Bastille. The next day, I’d take a cab over to the elegant food emporium Fauchon on the Place de Madeleine and have them pack a lunch of pate, duck confit, salade nicoise, Camembert, a baguette and a bottle of Bordeaux. I’d take the train out to Disney, go on a few rides, buy my kid a hot dog and have a picnic in the pique-nique area. Then I’d flee back to the city and head out the next day for the Loire Valley.

For Americans who have been spoiled by the Disney parks in Florida and California, and who don’t relate to Davy Crockett as a national hero, Euro Disney just won’t be their cup of cafe.

GUIDEBOOK

Settling Down at Euro Disneyland

Getting there: United and Air France fly nonstop from Los Angeles to Paris. American, Continental, Delta, Northwest, TWA and USAir fly direct with one stop en route.

Where to stay: The Euro Disney Resort has been carefully conceived to lure visitors to the complex and keep them there. Adjacent to the park are six hotels and a campground, all with American themes. Despite extravagant prices for most rooms and all food, the hotels were completely sold out when we were there in late April. Disney officials recommend that reservations be made well in advance, especially for this summer. Write to: Central Reservations Office, BP 105, 77777 Marne-la-Vallee Cedex 4, France. For direct phone dialing from the United States: 011-33-1-49-41-49-10.

The Disney efficiency here is classic. Most rooms sleep a family of four. There is voice mail, CNN, weather information, automatic checkout and baby-sitting. Most all hotel employees speak English. Shuttle buses that leave every 15 minutes carry guests back and forth from hotels to the theme park.

Prices for each hotel, which are dependent on the strength of the dollar against the franc, include tax and tip, but not food. My 10-year-old daughter and I spent about $60 a day each for three meals. Snacks at the park are extremely expensive as well.

Here’s how the hotels shape up:

* Disneyland Hotel, a pink Victorian 500-room hotel that looks like a decoration for a cake top. Sits at the entrance to Euro Disneyland. Three restaurants, health club, indoor pool. About $368-$519 per night.

* Hotel New York, a 574-room complex whose architecture is supposed to evoke the look of Rockefeller Center, Grammercy Park and the East Side of Manhattan. Ice skating rink in winter. Health club, indoor/outdoor swimming pool. About $301-$434 per night.

* Newport Bay Club, named after the resort town in Rhode Island. The 1,098-room hotel is designed to recreate the feel of a New England coastal resort, with a lake outside its doors and a veranda with rocking chairs. Indoor/outdoor swimming pools, health club. About $207-$236 per night.

* Sequoia Lodge, built to reflect the great American national parks. Wooden lodges with 1,011 rooms in a rustic setting. Health club, indoor/outdoor pools. About $207-$236 per night.

* Hotel Cheyenne, set up as a pioneer town in the American West. It has 1,000 rooms in 14 frontier-style buildings. (We stayed in the Wild Bill Hickok house.) Rooms have bunk beds for kids plus a double bed for parents. Food is served in the Chuck Wagon Cafe, which has the French interpretation of cowboy fare: ribs, corn on the cob, grits, chili and Budweiser. About $141 per night.

* Hotel Santa Fe, with a drive-in cinema screen at the entrance and that American Southwest adobe look. “Pueblo villages” amounting to 1,000 rooms. Two playgrounds, a fake volcano and a dance hall. About $141 per night.

* Camp Davy Crocket, with 181 campsites and an additional 414 cabins in an area designed to recall the land of settlers and trappers. General store, tavern, indoor pool. Cabins are about $165 a night; sites are about $51.