High Life / A WEEKLY FORUM FOR HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS : When Dating Gets Dangerous : Ordeal: A relationship fraught with emotional and physical abuse teaches its victim the importance of self-esteem and self-confidence.
Carol met and Richard (not their real names) at a football game during her sophomore year at Woodbridge High School in Irvine.
He was a college freshman at the time, so when he showed interest in her, she thought it was a dream come true. Little did she know then that her dream would turn into a nightmare of physical and emotional abuse that would last six months.
What follows is a true story of ordeal experienced by many teen-age girls such as Carol who are victims of date abuse.
During their first few times out, Richard presented himself as the ideal boyfriend. Carol began to trust him more and more. Then one night, as they were cruising around town, Richard stopped his car in the middle of a secluded road and presented her with an ultimatum that shocked her: Either perform oral sex on him or walk home.
At first she thought he was only kidding, but as the minutes passed, she realized he was serious. At 15, Carol was forced to make one of the toughest decisions about her sexuality.
She estimated that she was three miles from civilization. It was dark outside, and she was scared.
“I kept on thinking that if I get out and walk, I might get raped by somebody else or I might get kidnaped--the worst was running through my head,” she said. “Being so paranoid, I wasn’t really thinking about how to deal with it.”
After reasoning and pleading failed, Carol gave in to Richard’s demand.
“Today, when people ask me why I was there in the first place, I say because I trusted him,” she said. “I was going out with him for three months--I had no reason not to trust him.
“As far as getting out and walking, yes, I was at fault for not doing that, but I still don’t think it was my fault that he pushed me to do it by giving me ultimatums.”
After he dropped her back at her house, Carol immediately went to her room and cried. She then tried to rationalize her acquiescence.
“For one reason, I felt that if I didn’t do it he wouldn’t like me any more. He seemed to be great so far, and he was older, and I felt so cool walking around with this college guy. So I let the incident pass and never really stood up for myself.”
But the pressure from Richard only got worse. In addition to sexual abuse, verbal and physical abuse became commonplace. He called her “stupid” and “fat” and worse. He punched her in the stomach, slapped her across her face and kicked her in the shins.
She recalled one incident where he pushed her down a flight of steps when she refused to have sex with him.
Because each bruise was easily explained as the result of clumsiness, Carol’s friends and family didn’t suspect anything, and she didn’t say anything to anyone. She says she was afraid of what Richard might do if she did tell someone. Plus, she didn’t want people to talk behind her back.
“When you have been violated this way, it’s hard to trust anybody,” said Carol, who continued their relationship in the hope that “maybe he’ll just stop.”
Carol, now 18, recalled the day that it finally dawned on her that what Richard was doing was wrong and that she was hurting herself as much as Richard was hurting her by allowing herself to be treated that way.
It was the day of the winter formal dance, which she attended with him.
“I saw people having fun at the dance and I wasn’t,” she said. “I was constantly worried the whole time. That night, when I went to drop him home, he wanted me to have sex with him right there in the driveway. I refused, ordered him out of the car, and drove off. That’s when I made my absolute decision. I had had enough.”
Soon after that evening, she broke up with him--a decision he refused to acknowledge for a long time. He threatened to commit suicide and harm her loved ones. She said that until recently, he still called her and asked her out.
“What he did wasn’t wrong to him,” she said. “It was no big deal to him, whereas it changed my whole life. He didn’t even realize he was hurting me.”
It has only been recently that Carol has finally able to talk openly about exactly what happened those six months. Before this, she had only dropped hints.
About two months ago, students in one of her classes discussed date rape and date abuse. Seeing that mature ideas were being presented, Carol felt comfortable enough to speak out. She learned that she had to tell her family and friends the truth. That afternoon, she went home and told her mom.
Once afraid of her friends’ and relatives’ reactions, Carol found only support from them. Through this, she has learned the importance of self-esteem and self-confidence that many teen-age girls lack.
“I wish women were more confident and would just speak out and get away from guys who were doing this to them,” she said. “And I wish guys would understand that when a girl says no, she means no. And they don’t need to keep on asking--once should be fine.”
