MAKING IT WORK : Advice for Grandmothers: Wait Until You’re Asked

If your teen-age daughter is raising a child in your home, you’re probably eager to share what you’ve learned about parenting with her.

But before you speak up, consider this message to parents from a group of teen mothers who participated in a recent workshop on three-generational living: Don’t give advice unless you’re asked.

The workshop, part of the “Good Beginnings” conference held in Anaheim last week, was led by Stop-Gap, a nonprofit, professional theater company that uses drama as an educational and therapeutic tool.

During the workshop, the Stop-Gap actors improvised an argument between a teen mom and her mother, and the audience was given a chance to interpret the dialogue.

The argument began when the mother told the daughter that she shouldn’t pick up her baby every time he cries.

“You’re spoiling the heck out of that kid. He’s manipulating you,” the mother said.

“I know everything I need to know to take care of my baby,” the daughter answered.

When Stop-Gap executive director Don Laffoon interrupted the scene to get reactions from the audience, one teen mom said the daughter should be allowed to make her own mistakes.

Another teen suggested that the daughter tell her mom, “I need your help, but don’t tell me how to do things.”

Jessica, a 14-year-old who lives at home with her 4-month-old son, said it’s difficult to stand up for herself because her parents are paying all the bills. However, she said, “I don’t want to be a baby no more because I have my own baby.”

To minimize conflicts, teen moms and their parents need to show more appreciation for each other and listen better, the teens concluded.

At the end of the workshop, they were asked to complete this sentence, “I want to tell my mother . . . “ Here’s what some of them would like to say:

* “Let me do it on my own.”

* “Get a life.”

* “Now I realize how wise you are and how much you care for me.”

* “I’m glad you stuck by me even when my baby’s father didn’t.”

* “I love you and hope we can get along better in the future.”