TV Reviews : ‘Red Shoe Diaries’: A Peek at Cinematic Foreplay

The reigning auteur of “erotic fantasy,” Zalman King, has made some bad movies before--actually, he’s made nothing but bad movies before--but possibly none quite so excruciatingly overdrawn as his made-for-cable effort “Red Shoe Diaries” (premiering tonight at 9 on Showtime).

And speaking of red shoes, Dorothy, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore--not with dialogue like “My panties--rip ‘em off. Do it! “ and “Only a girl with a gold card would leave her dress on the floor like that . . . Unbuckle my belt” and “He made love like he worked on the street--tender as a jackhammer.” Click your heels three times and repeat: There’s no place like family hour. . . .

Lest we make this endurance test sound more enticing than it is, be assured that “Diaries”--like King’s previous teasing low, “Wild Orchid”--is almost all cinematic foreplay, with endlessly foreboding stretches of slow, grim soul-searching hermetically sealing the few sex scenes contained therein.

Oh yes, the plot (and you’ll want to take notes on this because it’s going to become a series ): Perfect guy David Duchovny is obsessed by the suicide of his gorgeous live-in love, Brigitte Bako, and turns to her diary for explanations. Turns out he made her too happy, in her own words, so she’d sought out some anonymous rough sex on the wrong side of the tracks with Billy Wirth, who turned from a no-name “Last Tango” lover to a you-can’t-leave-me “Fatal Attraction” lover at the last.

Most of this yuppies-in-heat story unfolds in flashback, and when Bako’s lovingly photographed suicide arrives (yes, she looks hot to trot even in deathly repose), this mess appears to be winding down. Beware: Switching to the present, it then goes on for more than another half-hour, getting loopier as it goes.

This head-scratcher of a pilot does at least set up the mind-boggling premise of the Showtime summer anthology series to come: Climactically, bummed-out Duchovny (previously best known for playing Denise, the transvestite detective on “Twin Peaks”) places an ad in the personals asking women to send him their own sexy diaries, the reading of which will presumably help him sort out his Angst. Let’s hope he gets one from Laura Palmer, who maybe can sic demon Bob on him.

“Red Shoe Diaries” also airs on Showtime next Friday at 10 p.m. and May 31 at 9 p.m.