Chill With Bill

Welcome to California, Bill Clinton. I understand you’ll start campaigning today in San Diego. Neat town--when the sewer system is working. You’ll find it as exciting as the West Virginia primary. Almost.

Now Bill, I don’t want to be out of line with the Chosen Candidate of the Democratic Party. Who am I to make suggestions to a man destined to follow in the footsteps of Mondale and Dukakis? Still, my sense is that you might profit from a few California pointers.

The impression stems from a quip you dropped on Jerry Brown back in Illinois. “Jerry,” you said, “you’re from California--chill out.” Cute, Bill, and a swell sound bite. But it made a lot of us Californians gag. Here we go again, we said: Another politician from Podunksville who considers our state headquarters for the nation’s flakes and weirdos. We may act weird sometimes, Bill, but only on purpose.

So Lesson No 1. Forget the Californiaspeak. Not many Californians I know say chill out anymore. Also, we don’t say groovy or far out. FYI: Lingo here evolves faster than you can say sooey. So don’t force it. I don’t know much about Arkansas, Bill. I visited once and came back with a plastic helmet shaped like a pig’s snout. And I’ve heard Little Rock described as “not quite hell--but you can see it from there.” Maybe Arkansas is, as your Look-What-I-Did-In-Fayetteville campaign suggests, the answer to America’s questions. My impression is that it equals in size and importance our own Riverside County. It might pay to be humble.

California is a big, complicated place: 30 million people, 11 distinct media markets, at least three states rolled into one. The best strategy is constant motion. Fly in, unload a sound bite, fly on. Anything less than three markets a day--and three distinct messages--and you’re losing ground.

Pandering, I know, is a long suit, Bill. But California’s diversity makes it tricky. The old Connecticut submarine gambit won’t work as well here. Say the wrong thing in the wrong stop in California and you bleed for a week. So remember: In L.A. you are for the B-2 bomber, but in San Francisco you are against it. Similarly, your draft history requires delicate handling. In Berkeley, tell the crowd you refused to fight an immoral war. In Bakersfield, complain that a bungling draft board kept you from killing Commies. Remember that old saying about Hollywood: If you can fake sincerity, you got it made.

Showbiz types love politicians, but they can be strange. Don’t panic if Shirley MacLaine announces she knows all about your other affair--she’s referring to the 14th Century. Several actors are into Scientology. They might ask, “Are you clear?” They don’t mean for lunch.

“Democratic Party” is a misnomer in California. In truth, it’s more a collection of single-issue klatches. Come prepared to every stop with a politically correct position on everything from abortion to zoo elephants.

Forget sampling ethnic food. There’s too much of it here. Eat pita bread to please the Armenians, and the Turks bolt for Brown. Just say no thanks, saving space for Hillary’s cookies. We’ll understand.

Good news. You won’t need a cowboy hat deplaning in Fresno. That political tradition has faded as Angelenos pour into the San Joaquin Valley. Now, farmers are outnumbered by city folk who don’t understand them, don’t like them and don’t vote their issues.

Beware of the far north. Up there, marijuana is a leading cash crop. Up there, they inhale and they like it. Expect to be laughed at by strangers with sparkly eyes. Also, bring your own Fritos.

You’re a handsome devil, Bill, but you might want to modify your look. Right now, I see you and I see some guy selling me a refrigerator. I think: It better have a warranty. My advice is to redo the Razorback Special haircut, bury the boys-will-be-boys grin and forget the jogging photo ops. California joggers are sinewy jaguars. Your form suggests someone who maybe tells his wife he’s going for a run, but in truth has other plans.

Finally, Bill, know your opponent. The one bright development in this otherwise sorry presidential primary season has been watching Jerry Brown regain stature in California. His campaign has reminded many Democrats why they twice voted him governor.

So far, you’ve been ignoring him. That worked well in West Virginia, but it’s risky business here. Shelve the pregame assault on Bush and refocus on Brown. Debate him, engage him, show him--and the 40% of the California Democrats who have supported him steadily throughout his career--some respect. Yes, it might hurt you in June, but it will help you come November.

You see, Bill, that’s another strange thing about California. This state always seems to hold the key to the White House. And in November, when you need it most, Jerry Brown might well be holding the key to California for you.