White House race, women’s division: Though she’s...

White House race, women’s division: Though she’s received less publicity than the presidential hopefuls, Beth Lapides of Hollywood is campaigning to be elected First Lady. Not wife of the President--female leader of the nation.

“The way it is now, the First Lady is a slave to her husband,” Lapides said. “She’s not allowed to have an opinion or work for a living.”

Lapides, a stand-up comic, says she’s raised “several dollars” through the sales of First Lady buttons (25 cents each). And unlike George Bush and Bill Clinton, Lapides has dared ask billionaire businessman Ross Perot to enter the race.

“I want him for First CEO,” she declared.

An 800 number for the Oval Office? Speaking of the guys, the 1992 campaign of Jerry Brown seems to have faded. But his supporters shouldn’t give up. A character in “The Road to Omaha,” the latest Robert Ludlum potboiler, predicts that in 20 years “the President will probably have a surname like Sundown or Moonbeam.”

Better an 800 number than . . . Dennis Drissi of Oxnard points out a possible reason to be nervous about the future. The winning numbers in the lottery Wednesday were 6-6-6, a satanic reference in the Book of Revelations.

Please don’t feed the stars: Among the celebs appearing at the Petcare Company in Hermosa Beach at noon today are Brutus, the lizard from the movie “The Freshman”; some four-inch cockroaches from the movie “Aliens III”; and several tarantulas from “Nightmare on Elm Street.” The tarantulas’ agent informs us they are looking for work, by the way.

Bijan skinned: Better forget about a set of Bijan’s $225,000 crocodile-skin luggage as a Father’s Day present.

The county district attorney’s office seized $500,000 worth of crocodile products advertised by the stuffy store on Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Drive. Inasmuch as the reptile is on the endangered species list, Bijan agreed to fork over $75,000 in civil penalties as well as legal and investigative costs.

At least, Bijan never got a hold of Brutus.

Time for a date with a sign dentist: James Harrigan of Manhattan Beach snapped this photo at the rear entrance of the Manhattan Beach Dental Center. “Or maybe,” he says, “the Manhattan Beach Dental Center is the rear entrance of the Manhattan Beach Denial Center.”

Enough said: A KUSC-FM broadcaster gave this traffic report late Friday afternoon:

“It’s the Friday before Memorial Day . . . at 5 o’clock. You figure it out.”

miscelLAny:

Good morning, Burbank, it’s the first day of the rest of your life. With the retirement of chief spokesman Johnny Carson, the city has set up a $230,000 campaign to promote the city. One bit of advice: Put Jay Leno on your mailing list.