Nitty Gritty Election Ditties

I feel pretty good about Tuesday’s election. Of course, it’s only the primary, so I may be singing the blues in November.

I’d like to dedicate these ditties to Tuesday’s candidates. Some won and some lost, but almost everyone got dirty. As you mentally wail these lyrics to the tune of “I’m a Woman,” please accompany with a bluesy thump.

TOM CAMPBELL’S ODE

I can bring home the bacon,

Fry it up in a pan;

Just don’t hold it against me

‘Cause I’m a red-blooded man.

Did my doctoral thesis

On the put-down of chicks;

But my lyin’ opponent

Made his right-wing shtick stick.

Well, they called this a horse race

For the state GOP;

Bruce might end up in Congress

Alpo factory for me.

TUNE FOR A TWO-FACE

You know Mel is my first name,

But lately I see

Would have gotten more mileage

Had it been Emily.

I used to be liberal,

But that was before

Persian Gulf and the riots

Made me rethink the score.

Oh, I know that I shoulda

Stayed true to my roots,

‘Cause brie-lovin’ Westsiders--

They just gave me the boot! B. BOXER’S BALLAD

I will shake up the Senate,

Found a new bogyman;

Wish I’d run against Jesse,

Fighting Helms is my plan.

I got caught in a scandal--

Little problem with math--

“Barbara Bouncer’s” no big deal,

Thought they might kick my....

Between me and Ms. Feinstein,

Dems have won easily;

And if voters just help us,

We can make her-story. BLUES FOR GRAY DAVIS

Now you go and you tell me,

That my ads weren’t so hot;

Making Dianne Leona

Was a stupid cheap shot.

I am bland and I’m boring,

But you all know my name;

Although my heart’s in the right place,

My advisers are lame. SONNY’S SONG

I can’t master the issues

‘Cause my bulb is so dim,

Yet I kept my hopes way up

Although my chances were slim.

Guess the voters have caught on

To my low-wattage ways,

So they told me on Tuesday:

“We don’t want you . . . babe.” BOB DORNAN’S BOMBAST

They say I’m the Red Terror

Of Big Orange County;

I oppose all you liberals

Cuz you’re out to get me.

Commie libs run this country--

Hairy female crazies--

OK, sometimes I tend to

Fantasize enemies.

I’ll keep slayin’ those dragons

Long as voters say please;

Could care less what L.A. thinks,

It’s a bastion of sleaze. DARYL GATES’ GRIPE

I’ll be history before long,

Then again, maybe not;

If you don’t do what I say,

I’ll stay here till I rot.

Mayor Tom and his council

Can go torture themselves,

‘Cause I ain’t goin’ nowhere

Till my book’s on the shelves.

Now that Charter amendment

Was the wrong thing to do;

If you want us to serve you,

Never mess with the Blue. ROSS PEROT’S RAG

May be rich but I’m earnest,

And I take what I please;

Wanna be chief commander,

Knock old George to his knees.

Please don’t press me for details--

Things of little import--

I’m a man of great vision,

But a pretty poor sport. THE LOW TURNOUT BLUES

The prime-aries is past tense;

In November we’ll see,

‘Bout those ultimate winners

And those ain’t-gonna-bes.

If the results have depressed you,

Well, then you’ve got some nerve;

Less than half of you voted--

Got just what you deserved.