Year of the Dolls

I was watching a 1958 movie called “Queen of Outer Space” on television the other day.

It’s about an American spaceship that crash-lands on a planet completely populated by beautiful women. The ship’s crew is all male.

The little dolls, as they were known in those days, go bonkers. A cosmic feminist, the queen hates men but loves them too. This causes jealousy and confusion throughout the land.

“Twenty-six million miles from Earth,” a spaceman says, laughing, “and the little dolls are all the same.”

When three women join the men to rebel against the queen, the ship’s captain says, “They aren’t alone. Thousands of them wish for the old order.”

The dialogue fascinated me because I’ve been talking to various people about the Year of the Woman. Some were men, others were little dolls.

One of them was my wife. She said, “You call us little dolls in that stupid column and we’re going to string you up in the Women’s Gym.”

Then she glanced at “Queen of Outer Space” and said, “Oh, my God, he’s doing research.”

The Space Queen explained female dominance by saying, “Men caused the ruin of the planet. It was time for women to take over.”

I’m not sure who declared 1992 the Year of the Woman. When I heard the phrase I wondered, is it like the Year of the Dragon? Will there be a parade and fireworks?

I know what it is basically, I guess. Senate candidates Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein won in the California primary and this is perceived by male chauvinists to be the beginning of the end of male dominance on the planet Earth.

(“You will die,” the space queen said to the Earthmen, “but first you will scream for mercy.”)

I’m not sure how the space women continued to exist in a male-less society. Perhaps they learned to freeze sperm.

I called feminist Gloria Allred to ask what the Year of the Woman was all about.

She said the Senate confirmation hearing on Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas was their Pearl Harbor. Remember the show? Anita Hill accused Thomas of sexual harassment and an all-male Senate committee bombed her.

Allred bristles just thinking about it. Words like arrogance and insensitivity whistle past my ear. That hearing was the emotional turning point, she says. Women got their marching orders.

“We’re not waiting another 10 years for power,” Allred said. “We want it now.”

(The space captain smiled and said to the Space Queen, “You’re not only a queen, you’re a woman. And a woman needs a man.”)

I discussed the Year of the Woman with Melanie Lomax. As a police commissioner, she was instrumental in nudging Daryl Gates toward the chopping block. You just put your little head right down here, darling.

I met her at a party once. We got along because she was anti almost everything mentioned. When a cat entered the room, she pointed and the cat went screaming from the house.

Year of the Woman means it’s the Year of Anti-Incumbency, Lomax says. It is also the Year of New Enemies and New Directions and New Priorities. It is the Year of All of the Above.

As I understand it, women are benefiting from the fall of communism. The Godless Reds aren’t enemies anymore, so we’ve turned our antipathies toward Godless Candidates. And since most of them are men . . . well, you get the idea.

“It has nothing to do with sex,” Lomax said in a tone that did not tempt debate. “It has to do with change. Everyone is tired of what was.”

Publicist Judi Davidson injected the Motherhood Touch. “Women have always been encouraging, caring, trustworthy, forceful and efficient,” she said. “Now we’re going to apply it in places that count: where the power is.”

“It don’t mean nothing,” a man named Lou said. “It’s just their hormones bubbling.” He nodded in self-affirmation. “They’ll get over it.”

The guys were standing around scratching their behinds and drinking Budweiser beer at a cowboy bar when I asked about the Year of the Woman.

“It’s what you call their body chemicals in distress,” Dave said.

“All that boxing and pumping iron ain’t good for them,” Harry added knowingly. “But they’ll come around when the election is over.”

(“Hi, little doll,” a spaceman said to a rebel. “Nice to have you on our side.” She shot him.)