One Man’s Movement Led Away From Wife

For at least one man, a 64-year-old professional whom we’ll call John, the decision to participate in a North County men’s group has had a profound influence on his life. It has also had a dramatic--if opposite--effect on his estranged wife.

Although John describes the opportunity to meet and talk with other men as a godsend, she describes the men’s movement as “for the birds.”

Before he joined the group last fall, John was deeply troubled: He had recently undergone a difficult surgery; he faced severe financial problems; he was mired in an unhappy marriage. Less than a year later, his life has taken a decided turn for the better, he says, and he gives much of the credit to his participation in a men’s group.

“I’ve gone from somebody who didn’t want to live, to one of the happiest people on earth,” he said.

In January, John filed for a divorce after 44 years of marriage.

“For all these years, I’ve done everything to keep the marriage together, which is not the way to make it work,” he said.

Joining a men’s group allowed him to loosen up, he said, and to share some of his feelings with other men in a safe environment--something he had never been able to do before.

“I’ve been a corporate officer most of my life, and that’s a dog-eat-dog, cutthroat kind of thing,” he said.

Now, with eight or nine other men at a typical meeting, John engages in ritualized breathing, drumming, chanting and Indian-style dancing as a prelude to their weekly discussion.

“You loosen up, then you sit down and begin to talk,” John said. Topics covered include sex, family and work, environmentally correct investments and other subjects. But mostly the talk is about feelings.

Talking to other men gave him the support he needed to at last be himself, he said.

He took a stand, and today he feels a freedom he never had before. His health and his attitude are better, although his marriage is not. For that, his estranged wife is willing to give the group much of the blame.

“A normal, well-adjusted man doesn’t need to attend any of these goofy meetings,” she said. “It’s just a bunch of hocus-pocus.” The men’s movement instills men with the idea that they don’t need women or families, she said.

“I mean, who can live with someone who’s running around with his little mask and beating his bongo drum?” she said. “I was married to a professional. I don’t know this man.”

From her perspective, the men’s movement is not a good thing. “It’s not healthy,” she said.

From his perspective, it’s a logical, healthy place for him to be. Although he made changes in himself that led to his rejection of his wife, the movement is not a hostile response to feminism, he said.

“It’s not a backlash. There wouldn’t be a men’s movement if there hadn’t been a women’s movement. They led the way by finding themselves, and now we’re finding ourselves.”