Parental Guidance Meets Curse of Raunchy Movies : Child-rearing: In era of multiplexes and VCRs, it’s becoming ever harder to control what children see.

Patt Hawkey of Brea was thrilled to have finally found a nice, PG movie for her 10-year-old daughter and a friend. They were watching “Housesitter” when all of a sudden Steve Martin started a love scene with goofy foreplay that led to the brink of even sillier sex in a fireplace. Uneasy, Hawkey resorted to a tactic used by many movie-going parents of the ‘90s.

“I put my hand over my daughter and her friend’s eyes,” Hawkey said. They giggled and tried to peek around her, but she said, “I was serious. . . . I don’t like her to see heavy petting or explicit sex.”

It may be a new summer of sex and violence in movies, but parents are facing the same old problems--an imperfect rating system, theaters that don’t monitor whether kids go into R-rated movies alone, or the VCRs of friends and relatives whose values are light-years away from their own.

In addition, the rising number of commercial pitches to kids make some parents feel helpless.

“What can you do?” asked Peg Paczkowski one recent afternoon at a Costa Mesa McDonald’s where her two children, 7 and 12, were clutching promotional cups for “Batman Returns” (a PG-13-rated movie in which various characters are shot, burned, electrocuted and have their hands and noses chewed). She said her children will probably see the movie, even though she is not comfortable with it, nor with most other movies in current release.

It was easier to control her children’s movie watching when they were younger, she said. “You don’t drop them off at the mall where there’s one G-rated movie and three Rs and there’s no guarantee they’ll go into the G show. In fact, you can bet against it.”

Society’s changing norms over the past few decades have allowed more frequent and intense depictions of violence and erotic stimuli in movies and on television, noted Norma Feshbach, a UCLA professor of education and psychology. “I don’t know whether we have the data to assess the impact,” she said. “We can just conjecture.”

Bart Carey, a father of four from Placentia, says he has no doubt how movies affect children’s behavior. His 2-year-old, for example, “watched ‘101 Dalmatians’ and he’s a dog for a week. He runs around and nips at you. He barks at you. He saw ‘Robin Hood’ and he grabs the fork off the table and lunges at you.”

Carey said he monitors what his children watch at home, but does not believe they can be completely sheltered. Parents, he said “need to educate kids about these things as they pertain in the real world.”

But he knows that what he considers “PG” might be another parent’s “R” and vice versa. For instance, Carey said he would have no problem taking his 5-year-old to see “Thelma and Louise” (rated R for strong language, violence and sexuality), but he objected to the PG-rated “My Girl” (because of the way death was handled).

Similarly, a mother whose 10-year-old daughter saw “Truth or Dare” (rated R for sexual language and situations) is concerned about the television show “Beverly Hills 90210” (because of a perceived disrespect for parents).

A father who doesn’t much mind nudity, violence or language in movies is more afraid his kids will be warped by the reality shown on the TV news. “In the movies,” he says, “at least they know it’s fiction.”

Studies show that the majority of parents do nothing to monitor their children’s television watching, but no known studies have assessed how parents try to monitor objectionable movies. George Gerbner, professor at Annenberg School of Communications at the University of Pennsylvania, said he suspects the use of ratings by parents is “infinitesimal.” While surveys conducted by the Motion Picture Assn. of America show the majority of parents appreciate having ratings to go by, Gerbner suggested that ratings are merely “a public-relations gesture followed by relatively few people, a compromise of the industry to avoid more stringent regulations.”

While R ratings mean no children under 17 will be admitted without an adult, and PG-13 means parental guidance is suggested for children under age 13, most parents in reality have little control after their children reach 10, Gerbner said.

James Edwards, chairman of the board of Edwards Theaters, said his son Jim is “very restrictive” about what his preteen children are allowed to see. “Even if it’s PG, my son and daughter-in-law will see it first. Those kids have never seen an R-rated movie,” he said. Some parents, like Hawkey, take their kids to a PG or even R-rated shows, reasoning, “How bad can it be?” They then scramble to cover their child’s eyes or ears as violent or explicit scenes erupt on the screen. But often, experts said, that only makes children more curious.

At home, some order the children out of the room, turn off the picture or sound, or rely on the eject button when the movie turns objectionable.

“My mom fast forwards through the disgusting parts,” said Holly Robison, 11, of Irvine. Her mother, Phyllis, said she fast-forwarded through parts of “Dirty Dancing” and “Suburban Commando.”

It’s harder to control when her children are invited to sleep over at a friend’s, she said. “I say, ‘I’d like you to say no, you’re not allowed,’ but I don’t expect it,” she said.

Paczkowski said she has developed one strategy to use when her children are invited to sleep over at a friend’s where she is unsure of what they will see. “We’re sneaky. We say, ‘Why not spend the night at our house?’ They don’t even realize it.”

Mary Lou Brochtrup of Placentia said it became clear her 11-year-old grandson was raised with different values when they started watching movies at home. “He’ll laugh at something I’ll say is totally unacceptable. He’ll say, ‘Get real Granny.’ That’s his attitude.

“We wouldn’t let him watch “Grand Canyon” (rated R for language and sexuality). He said he could watch it at his mom’s. During the nude scene, we made him go outside.”

Some people say they never gave much thought to sex, violence or language in movies until they had children.

“My husband used to be liberal,” said Maria Manuel of Brea, mother of three children ranging in age from 2 months to 5 years. “But he changed. He’s more aware now--especially since he had girls.”

Her plan is to just say no if she doesn’t like a certain show. “I just won’t let them see it.”

The word “no,” however popular with parents of young children, “causes adolescents’ and pre-adolescents’ spines to go rigid,” says Martha Dewing, editor of the Children’s Video Report, a periodic newsletter of movie and video reviews. By that age, she said, “one has to be more diplomatic in the way ‘no’ is used.”

One mother said her 13-year-old son wants to see “Unlawful Entry” (rated R for terror, violence, sexuality and language) with his buddies. But she suspects it is the type of movie where she draws the line. In cases like that, she said, she tries “ ‘You can’t go tonight.’ Maybe it will get dropped.”

Often kids can persuade their parents to let them see forbidden movies with arguments such as: “It’s only a movie” or “I hear worse at school,” in addition to the time-honored “everybody else’s parents let them see it.”

Brad Meer, 13, of Newport Beach said he persuaded his mother, Jill, to let him finish watching “Cape Fear” (rated R for nearly everything) after she had ejected the tape in mid-attempted murder. “My friend and I were mad,” he said. “We were just getting into it.” After the friend went home, he said, “I kept telling Mom, ‘Mom, it’s only a movie. I really want to watch it. It’s only a movie.’ ”

He said his friend also ended up renting the movie and seeing it at home. They both liked it, he said.

A few parents find themselves hoping that censors, government policies, boycotts or more elaborate warnings will make the problem go away.

At the same time, many believe the ultimate responsibility lies with parents and try to follow the standard advice of psychologists: Preview the movie, talk to friends, communicate with children about what you know they’re seeing, and give them something else to do besides watch movies and TV.

“The junk is out there,” said Meer. “I use (movies) more as an opportunity to talk about our values as opposed to putting a block on it altogether. When he was a preschooler, he begged to see “Rocky” and I said, ‘No, it’s too violent.’ After a while you have to let them see it, he’s got to be part of the mainstream.”

For example, she said, when he was a youngster watching “Terminator” movies, they discussed whether “killing and hurting of the other person was a good thing, what do we need to do instead when we get mad at a friend? What else could the character have done besides blow off his head or smunch him with an enemy tool?”

Carey also said he always takes time to answer his children’s questions.

Recently he and his 11-year-old son flicked on the TV and caught the end of an old, raunchy teen flick, “Bachelor Party.”

“We got to the scene at the end where they are getting married and the priest says, ‘You can kiss the bride,’ ” Carey recalled. “The groom says just a minute, walks away and then comes back with hand eggbeaters, twirling them at her. She yells and runs away and he chases her all the way to the car.”

After he turned it off, Carey said, his son was “dying to know what he was going to do with the eggbeaters.” Carey said that, as always, he answered forthrightly. “I told him I had no idea what those eggbeaters were for.”

Strategies for Parenting in a Media Age

Set limits. Be selective and unafraid to say no with younger children, or insist they discuss the show with you afterward. Do not use TV or movies as a baby-sitter, a reward or punishment. Make sure media is balanced with other activities such as sports or friends.

Find trusted sources. Even some PG movies (such as “Witches”) found in video family sections can be frightening to children. Read reviews in parent magazines and compare notes with other parents whose views you respect.

Preview the movie if possible. Otherwise, watch with your child. Start a family video collection with approved movies and tapes your child can enjoy when there’s nothing else to watch.

Use story lines or characters to talk later with kids about topics that are sometimes hard to discuss: emotions, family relationships, appropriate sexual behavior, divorce or death, religious beliefs. Rather than question directly, try musing aloud about your values; it prompts conversation in a non-threatening way.

Back off with children aged 13 to 18, letting them make more of their own decisions with parental guidance.

Become active as a citizen and express your point of view to help create more options in the media or to teach critical viewing skills in school.

Model healthy relationships at home. Most children ultimately adopt the values of their parents.

Sources: The Center for Media and Values, Los Angeles; Norma Feshbach, co-author “Big World, Small Screen”; Annenberg School of Communications, University of Pennsylvania