Too Sexy? It’s All in His Point of View

W allis Simpson, the Duchess of Windsor, said that you can’t be too rich or too thin. But can you be too sexy? If you’re speaking for yourself alone, the answer is probably never. But what about the significant other in your life, especially if he happens to be male? Is the naughty-and-nice syndrome still alive and well for women? And, in the world of everyday dress, just what is sexy, anyway? Two Times writers talked to one couple for whom the way she dresses is a point of contention.

HE: The problem in a nut: she thinks she’s stylish, he thinks she’s overt. She likes a bit of flash, he wishes she’d tone it down. Sounds nice and Freudian, but Bill and Janine are intelligent, well-spoken people. He doesn’t sound like the jealous type and she doesn’t sound like Joan Collins. I think she sees trendy where he sees Madonna. Are they both missing it?

SHE: Sexiness is a perception based on whatever the viewer’s psychological baggage happens to be at the time. Just ask Bill. When he was a client of Janine’s at the hair salon, he couldn’t wait to see what she was wearing. He loved her tight bicycle pants, her short skirts, her half-buttoned blouses. He loved them so much he asked her for a date. But now that they’re an item, he doesn’t like other men doing what he himself did once, namely, enjoying the view. At what point did “sexy” become “too sexy”?

HE: This is a touchy one. We could get awfully analytical and academic about it, but, given that we’re dealing with two people who do care about each other, and don’t appear to be classically exhibitionistic or jealous, I think it’s this: Bill, as he said, was initially attracted to Janine’s looks and sexy clothes. Now he knows and appreciates her for more than the fabric she puts on her body. Now, for him, subtle is sexy.

SHE: But for Janine, the issue has never been one of sexy or not sexy. She loves modern clothes, she feels comfortable in what she wears, and that’s all that drives her choices. Men stared at her long before Bill became protective, and will do so long after Bill is history. In her opinion, if she looks sexy, it’s incidental. Why does she have to retool her wardrobe every time he redefines his attitude?

HE: Actually, she did retool it, a bit.

SHE: Yes, she bought an innocuous red tank dress that she thought would make them both happy. Unfortunately, Bill didn’t see it that way. For him, the color was “too flashy.” Are certain colors off-limits, too, just because Bill’s fellow men are too Neanderthal for his taste?

HE: No, I think he objected more to the fact that the dress had a low-slung back. I also don’t excuse Neanderthal reactions, but I think it’s a mistake to condemn an appreciation of the artfully clothed female form. Janine mentioned that all her previous boyfriends were enthusiastic about her dressing sexily.

SHE: She also mentioned that these guys were a lot older than her. So when they were urging her to make it “shorter, tighter, blacker,” it was purely to enhance the impact of the trophy they had on their arm.

HE: So, at least give Bill credit for seeing past that.

SHE: Of course. It was Bill, in fact, who raised the real question of exactly what is considered sexy. Because Janine works out, her body is in great shape and looks like dynamite no matter what she wears. Another woman wearing the same red dress might not look the least bit sexy. Which begs the question, just how do you define what is sexy and what isn’t?

HE: At its core, it really has nothing to do with what one wears. Clothes aren’t the melody, only the ornamentation, the grace notes. That is, if they’re well-chosen.

If I can presume to speak for a lot of men, I’d say that Bill’s comments about subtly sexy clothes--those that reveal precious little, but the little they reveal is truly precious to behold--are on the mark. The sight of a nude women, he says, is startlingly sexy, a quick hit. But the impression may not last. I think one of the sexiest garments I ever saw a woman wear was one of my dress shirts.

SHE: Yes, but weren’t the circumstances of why she was wearing your dress shirt driving your perception? I doubt you would have found me half as sexy in the same shirt.

HE: Oh, far more than half. I’d say that attitude has more to do with it than circumstance. A woman who felt uncomfortable and uneasy in that shirt would drain away every hint of sensuality.

SHE: Men tell me that sexy is the suggestion of what’s underneath--tight skirts, partially unbuttoned blouses, soft silk clinging to curves. But women? One tells me she’s crazy about men in range coats. Another says a crisp white shirt and jeans. And me, I’m a sucker for a man in a tuxedo. But nary a mention of getting a glimpse of the man’s hidden goodies. Which means that for men, sexy has an awful lot to do with sex. For women, anything but.