Lowering the Price on ‘Family Values’

When it comes to family values, it has become increasingly obvious that nothing must be left to chance.

As good and true Americans, your family values could decide the outcome of the upcoming presidential election. Or, failing that, the Holy War.

Whatever.

But I hear you. You’ve been a little, uh, confused about what “family values” really means. And you realize that “I’ll know them when I see them,” just isn’t good enough anymore.

Moreover, since you’ve paid way too much attention to politics lately, you have come to know that some family values are simply better than others. So there.

Yet, I know, I know. You have your doubts.

So for the price of this incredibly undervalued newspaper column, I have agreed to help you understand what your family values are and how much they’re worth.

So get out your writing implements. It’s time to Test Your Family Values! Please compare your answers with those of your family and friends. That way you’ll know if you can really trust them.

1. It is the end of the work day and you are exhausted. The traffic on the way home was bumper-to-bumper and you hated all the songs on the radio. As you pull into the garage, you hear your children inside the house. They appear to be throwing heavy objects at each other, over the strenuous objections of the baby-sitter. Their words are unintelligible, but you recognize the screams. So naturally you . . .

A) Turn up the car radio louder because, finally, a decent song has come on and you don’t want that racket to drown it out.

B) Figure that a “time out” is in order. You spring into action, putting the car in reverse and getting out of there fast. This “time out” is your own.

C) Feel tremendously guilty for not “being there” for your kids. You remember when they used to throw heavy objects at you . Stifling a tear, you rush inside, into the line of fire. The objects bounce off, painlessly, because you know you are doing right. You think about quitting your job, again.

D) Recognize this for the nightmare that it is. You do not work because your spouse makes more money than you can comfortably spend, although you manage. And your children are angels. Life would be perfect if only that darn Congress would agree to a cut in the capital-gains tax.

2. After years of friendship, including jointly organizing the neighborhood Fourth of July party and serving together on the board of the homeowners association, your neighbor with the fabulous landscaping confides in you that he is gay. So naturally you . . .

A) Put your arm around him, tell him that he is a great neighbor, but encourage him not to present his lifestyle as “normal.”

B) Breathe a sigh of relief. No matter what your wife says about how cute this guy looks in shorts and a T-shirt, there is no chance he will break up your marriage. You invite him over for a drink.

C) Cry foul. You’ve always suspected his green thumb just wasn’t “natural.”

D) Tell him right off the bat not to expect any “special privileges.”

3. Your child comes home from school and says that the other kids were talking about something called sex. Your child then repeats a rather outlandish story about how babies are born and asks if it’s true. So naturally you . . .

A) Direct him to your spouse.

B) Point out the inaccuracies in the story by taking down the illustrated medical encyclopedia and telling him the truth, making sure to use only medically accurate words and describing the recovery time from the whole procedure as roughly on par with, say, a leg amputation.

C) Put your arm around him, tell him that he is a great kid, but encourage him not to believe that such a lifestyle is “normal.”

D) Realize your mistake. Twenty years of denying him TV privileges was a bit much. One night of prime-time programming ought to do the trick.

4. You are a working mother, married to a working father. Your marriage is stable and happy. You have two daughters, two pets (and a fish) and two cars. In other words, you feel confident that you are a good role model. You have repeatedly told your daughters that if they set their mind to it, they, too, can have the kind of life they want. Then your older daughter announces that she plans on being a princess when she grows up. So naturally you . . .

A) Tell her you’re sorry, honey, but she doesn’t quite qualify.

B) Start reading her chapters of “Diana: Her True Story” as a bedtime story.

C) Explain to her that the reality is Prince Charles is no Prince Eric.

D) Persuade her to try it out first for Halloween.

5. You are in love and plan on getting married. Your beloved takes you home to meet your future in-laws for the first time. Everything seems to be going well, until they ask about your “family values.” You don’t know quite what to say. So naturally you . . .

A) Change the subject by suggesting you all go out and see a Woody Allen movie or something.

B) Make some quick mental calculations and then wow them with your bottom line: Projected annual earnings well above the national average, a substantial equity in your condo and only 12 more months of car payments.

C) Play it safe. “Fine,” you say. Then you smile.

D) Look lovingly at your intended and say, “I’m saving those until after the wedding.”