You Can’t Say That : The gift of gab is serious business for Universal Studios Tour guides, but there are a number of topics that they’re forbidden to mention.

Three syllables. A harmless word, really. But, on the Universal Studios Tour, it amounts to blasphemy. It ranks, perhaps, with homicide and bestiality.

The word is: Disneyland.

And that’s not the only noun that Universal tour guides are forbidden to utter. Recently, two guides provided The Times with their never-before-revealed top-secret list of do’s and don’ts: what the studio does and doesn’t want its guests to hear.

Studio executives declined to comment on this list, but apparently the gift of gab is serious business on their tour. Guides must memorize opening and closing comments. Every quip and anecdote told during the 45-minute tram ride must be approved by the corporation.

Management keeps tabs by making unannounced evaluations, often having the evaluator sit in the back of the tram where he or she might not be noticed. In extreme cases, a wrong word or forgotten passage can get a guide suspended.

So deviations from the script are rare. On a recent tour, a guide leaned toward a young girl and asked: “How old are you?” Before the girl could utter a response, the guide blurted: “Who cares?” Later, he told the visitors: “On this part of the tour, there is absolutely nothing to see.” It was his last day on the job, and he was taking the opportunity to run free at the mouth.

The work pays only $5.75 an hour and it’s not uncommon to find, among the 85 guides, a number who are unhappy about aspects of the job. But a list of Hollywood luminaries started out as guides (including agent Michael Ovitz, director John Badham and actor Jack Wagner) and last April’s auditions drew 160 applicants.

The guides who provided The Times with interviews, written accounts and notes from their training classes did so on the condition that they remain anonymous. One still works for Universal Studios Tour and, although disgruntled, wants to keep the job. The other recently left on pleasant terms. Here is a sampling of the information they provided:

Bite Your Tongue

There are a number of topics that Universal Tour guides are forbidden to mention, including:

* Smog. And if smog obscures the back lot, don’t mention the back lot either.

* John Landis (since 1982, when Vic Morrow and two children were killed on his “Twilight Zone” set).

* Tom Cruise or the location of his office on the Universal Studios lot.

* Age, weight and salary. Never divulge any of these facts about any celebrity.

* And, of course, Disneyland, Disney Studios, Disney products or such Disney subdivisions as Touchstone Pictures, Hollywood Pictures and Buena Vista Distributing.

There’s What’s-His-Name . . .

* If you spot a famous actor, and you know his or her name: Before you introduce the star, look right at him. If he continues to stand there, introduce him. If he turns around and leaves, ignore him, even if the guests spot him.

* If you spot a star and you don’t know his or her name: First turn off your mike and ask the driver if he knows the name. If he doesn’t, leave the mike off and play a mock game with the guests in the first car. “Oh, do you folks know who that is?” If there’s a consensus, go with that name. If you can’t get the name . . . just ignore the star. Misidentification is the worst.

* With an older and respected star, give “Mr.” or “Miss,” then full name. (Example given in training class: Angela Lansbury). With a younger star, first name is OK.

* If a star complains about you, you will be fired .

Best Seat in the House

The third car offers the best view, guides say. Beware of the first car though, because it pulls the entire tram. “The noise of the engine borders on unbearable as you pull up the hills,” a guide warned.

Oh, By the Way . . .

The tour guide’s manual covers such diverse topics as dress code, safety warnings and a history of the studio. But the largest part of the red binder--more than 150 pages, according to one guide--is devoted to “stalls.” Guides launch into these anecdotes whenever the tour gets backed up and the tram must stop.

“You’re supposed to make it sound like you just happened to remember this interesting little story,” one guide said.

The other guide explained, in a written account: “These stalls cover everything you never wanted to know about show business, ranging from a description of how weather effects are achieved (‘Did you know movie hail is really white plastic beads?’) to the life story of costume designer Edith Head, voted number one among the guides as the stall most likely to put your audience to sleep.”

On extremely busy days, when more than 30,000 guests cram into the park, guides must be prepared to talk while inching along for minutes at a time. For such instances, the trams are equipped with stereos that play movie theme songs.

“When it gets really hot and the stall is really bad,” a guide said, “you can see the guests are no longer listening to you.”

Did You Have to Say That?

The tour script is chock full of management-approved jokes and puns. For example:

“That tree is made of a very special kind of wood . . . Hollywood!”

“That’s the ‘Psycho’ house. Those bushes are the psycho bushes. And that road leading up to the house . . . that’s the psychopath.”

King Kong is referred to as “old banana breath.”

One guide explained that having to repeat these trifles six times a day has, on occasion, driven him to the point of quitting. Once, after revealing how filmmakers got Francis the Mule to talk (they put peanut butter in the animal’s mouth and, as he struggled to lick it off, an actor’s voice was dubbed in), the guide inserted a standard joke: “. . . and I think that’s how we got Milli Vanilli to sing too!”

At that point, he recalled, “This kid in the front seat looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘Get a real job.’ ”