It’s Time to Plan for Next April

Hello, and welcome to “The Geraldo Oprah Donahue Show.” Today’s guests are all baseball managers from Southern California whose seasons have been, uh, less than pleasant. Gentlemen, who’d like to go first?

“My name is Tom Lasorda and I manage the Los Angeles Dodgers. My team has become a laughingstock. Jay Leno does a joke at our expense every night. We are in last place for the first time since coming to California.

“Now a national magazine has dredged up a very sensitive matter about someone from my family whose privacy should be respected. And my boss has expressed uncertainty about my coming back, even though I have been with this organization for nearly 44 years.

“I thought this season would never end.”

Next?

“My name is Buck Rodgers and I manage the California Angels. My team has not become a laughingstock, although I have no idea why not. At least Mr. Lasorda’s team has won something. Our team has never won anything. We are not in last place, but we are close. We have no .300 hitter and one pitcher with more than 10 wins. And our team bus had a terrifying crash on the highway, leaving me with a variety of broken bones and unable to do my job.

“I thought this season would never end.”

Next?

“My name is Greg Riddoch and I no longer manage the San Diego Padres. That’s because I already have been fired. Like the Angels, my team has never won a World Series. We were never really in the race this season, even though we had three of the best hitters in baseball. I also was a robbery victim in New York one night, which scared the wits out of me. Now I’m out of a job during a recession.

“I thought this season would never end.”

Mercifully, it has.

We can go about the business of watching our equally rotten football teams now. A baseball season so bad, even the commissioner didn’t stick around for the end of it has crawled to an end. Some umpire should shout: “Play ball--not!”

No story on daytime TV--not even overweight transsexual kleptomaniacs who married their cousins--could be any sadder.

It was a season so stupid, not once but twice I saw a catcher conk a batter in the helmet with a baseball while tossing it back to the pitcher. One of those times, Mike Scioscia did it to Paul O’Neill of the Cincinnati Reds. That’s the kind of memory Mike might take from his last season with the Dodgers, if that’s what this has been.

The Dodgers need fielders, the Angels need hitters and the Padres need pitchers.

The fans need Rolaids.

Of all these teams, our sympathy should be with the Dodgers, who--it seems to me--have actually taken the most heat. At least the Dodgers win a World Series once in a while. Yet we ridicule the Dodgers because they haven’t won a championship in four years? Hey, place a call to someone in Boston, Cleveland, Chicago, Seattle, Anaheim or San Diego, why don’t you?

In 1991, the Dodgers finished one game behind a team that lost the World Series by one game. Then they lost their two best hitters, Darryl Strawberry and Eric Davis, to injuries. Lighten up on these guys, will you?

I suppose what infuriates Dodger, Angel and Padre fans is watching their players succeed elsewhere--Mike Devereaux, John Wetteland, Alejandro Pena, Tim Belcher, Dave Winfield, Chili Davis, Dante Bichette, Devon White, Roberto Alomar, Joe Carter. All of these men ended up on winning teams. Is this a coincidence?

You can excuse the Padres. For one thing, they, too, technically have a winning team. And it isn’t as if Toronto gave them nothing for Alomar and Carter. And then there is Gary Sheffield, who practically made the whole summer worthwhile.

The Angels are a different story. If these guys sold used cars for a living, they’d trade you a ’91 Mercedes for a ’69 Pinto.

Gene Autry’s 85th birthday was the other day, and God bless you, Cowboy. Your hired hands have hornswoggled you. From now on, let’s stop looking for the quick fix. Let’s develop these kids, Gary DiSarcina, Chad Curtis, Tim Salmon, Rene Gonzales, John Orton, who in a year or two will be seasoned veterans. They work cheap and they play hard. Keep them hungry. No more Dave Parkers or Von Hayeses, OK? Play the kids.

The Dodgers do. Eric Karros, Pedro Astacio, Jose Offerman, Mike Piazza--there is hope here. We said if Offerman hit his weight, we’d be happy. Guess what--he doesn’t weigh 260. Offerman has more hits than any Dodger except Brett Butler. He has more hits than any Angel except Luis Polonia. His defense was tragi-comical, but so was Maury Wills’ and so was Bill Russell’s when they were rookies.

When Manager Phil Regan--oops; sorry, Tommy--makes out his 1993 lineup, please, let him have a new second baseman and a new third baseman. And better keep a spare outfielder, Strawberry and potential free agent Davis being brittle as they are. And how about trying Kevin Gross as a closer relief pitcher? The guy throws hard.

Our teams are no good. Oh, well. At least they aren’t moving to Florida. Wait till next year? Most of us have been waiting for April of next year since April of this year.