And Mr. President, What About Those Killer Bees? : Debates: Why is it the candidates sound the same no matter what they talk about?

On top of traffic, smog, gangs, riots, drought, floods, fires and earthquakes, now we have to cope with killer bees. They’re coming up from Mexico and hitting Texas first, but we can expect them in Southern California in no time at all.

Let’s ask the candidates how they plan to handle the swarms heading our way. First, President Bush:

“We have a killer bee policy. Two words: Stay inside.

“Warned Congress about the killer bee threat three years ago and I’m sick and tired of their inaction, but this will not stand. And I noticed one word was missing from the anti-bee plank in the Democrats’ platform, and that word was R-A-I-D. But I’m going to define those bees and show them for what they are, and we’re not going to let Bill Clinton catch them in traps and then let them back out on the street early before they’ve served their time. Arkansas ranks 50th, at the very bottom, when it comes to treating bee stings.”

And Gov. Clinton?

“With the shape of our economy, the bees will probably spend more time standing in unemployment lines than stinging people. As President, I will take honey from the rich and give it to the poor. It’s time the top 2% gave their fair share.

“Now, as for declaring war, my position couldn’t be more clear. While I would probably support a majority in Congress who voted to eradicate the bees if it were a close vote, I would probably be sympathetic with the views of the minority. And I think bees should be allowed to keep their stingers, but I support a seven-day waiting period before they use them.

“Now, as to the question of how I feel about killer bees attacking spotted owls, you’ll have to ask Al Gore about that.”

And Ross Perot?

“The killer bees threat is my highest priority. I could fix it in five seconds flat, but it’s all up to the people. They are the owners of the land and I am just their humble servant. If the people say, ‘Ross, fix the killer bee problem,’ then I will fix it real quick. It’s simple.

“Washington may be gridlocked over killer bees, but I will move heaven and earth and roll up my sleeves and work night and day on the problem by getting under the hood of the car and cleaning out the barn.

“Don’t believe what you’ve heard--that I will give every killer bee a copy of my book and they’ll all die of boredom. That’s a Republican dirty trick.”