With Pittsburgh Sinking, He Will Not Take a Swim

THE COLLEGES

Earlier this season, ESPN college football analyst Beano Cook proclaimed that if the Panters won seven games, he would swim the Monongahela River. Better yet, he should spell Monongahela.

Beano will probably stay dry, though. The Pitts, crunched, 21-52, by Notre Dame, are 2-4 and unlikely to win seven even if they did lengthen their schedule to 12 games this year.

The Panters advanced to No. 4 after another grim week for the Bottom Ten selectors. Six of the 10 lowest-rated teams won. At least No. 1 South Carolina and No. 2 Texas at El Wobbly Paso evaded victories.

One of the upset winners was Arkansas, which edged Tennessee, 25-24, on Todd Wright’s last-second, 41-yard field goal. Wright was unfazed by Tennessee, which tried to unnerve him before the attempt by calling three consecutive timeouts.

The rankings:

School, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. South Carolina (0-5) Idle Mississippi State 2. UTEP (0-5) 24-42, Colorado State San Diego State 3. LSU (1-5) 21-28, Florida Kentucky 4. Pitt (2-4) 21-52, Notre Dame Temple 5. New Mexico (1-5) 21-35, Wyoming Utah 6. Arkansas State (1-5) 7-41, Troy State Memphis State 7. Gibbs (0-4)* 24-34, Texas Next Year 8. Michigan State (1-4) 10-35, Michigan Minnehaha 9. Minnehaha (1-4) 20-24, Purdue Michigan State 10. Northwestern (1-4) 3-28, Indiana Ohio State

11. Big Ten overall (23-27-1); 12. Oregon State (1-4-1); 13. Missouri (1-4); 14. Maryland (1-5); 15.-18. Pentagon (Army, Navy, Air Force, VMI) (8-13); 19. N/A; 20. Ohio State (worst 3-2 team in nation).

Others receiving votes: Too many to mention.

*Oklahoma Coach Gary Gibbs’ record vs. Texas.

Quotebook: Princeton running back Keith Elias, asked if he had ever heard of UCLA assistant coach Homer Smith, whose school rushing record he recently broke: “Homer Simpson, yes. Homer Smith, no.”

THE PROS

With the Falcons’ Deion Sanders showing signs of fatigue--he had competed in the Atlanta Tennis Invitational that morning--the Men in Black continued their losing ways against Miami and stayed in contention for Flop-of-the-Year honors.

Chicago’s Mike Ditka, featured in a TV endorsement for a local U.S. Senate candidate, became embroiled in a mini-controversy when it was revealed that he has voted in only three of the last 17 primary and general elections. That works out to a percentage of .176, even lower than his team’s winning percentage (.400).

Denver, outscored, 73-109, this season despite being 2-4, was squashed, 3-34, by the Redskins, who were no doubt bothered by Ross Perot’s election promise to buy Washington, D.C., a new team.

New England, meanwhile, remained steady at .000.

The rankings:

AND THEY CHARGE FANS TO SEE THEM PLAY

Team, Record Points Scored Per Game Next Loss 1. Seattle (1-5) 7.2 Raiders 2. San Diego (1-4) 9.2 Indy 3. New England (0-5) 9.2 Miami (Fla.) 4. Indianapolis (3-2) 10.8 San Diego

*

FLOP-OF-YEAR CANDIDATES

Team, 1992 1991 Record Last Week 1. Detroit 1-4 12-4 Idle 2. Atlanta 2-4 10-6 17-21, Miami 3. Chicago 2-3 11-5 Idle 4. Raiders 2-4 9-7 Def. Buffalo, 20-3 5. Buffalo 4-2 13-3 3-20, Raiders

Note: Previous year’s winners--the Giants--are not eligible to repeat.

Mr. Excitement: Over a period of a few days, cornerback Lewis Billups lost his starting job on Green Bay to Terrell Buckley, popped off to reporters, caused a scene on an airline flight when he accused the flight attendant of being too slow, crashed his truck into an electric pole (leaving 1,000 people in Green Bay without power) and was released by the club.