THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES: ROUND TWO : COMMENTARY : See Bill Run; See George Fidget; See Ross Run On

Class? Class! Mr. Donahue is out sick today. I’m Ms. Simpson, and I’ll be your substitute teacher. Now settle down! Put those away!

I know you’re supposed to have your class elections today before lunch . . . will the candidates please stand up? Bill, George, Ross? Ross, will you please stand up? Oh, you are. Well, then. I want to thank Mr. Perrino’s shop class for making these little tables, and let’s get started.

There was sure no mistaking the fact that Presidential Debate II was held on a campus.

The cast was strictly out of “Tom Brown’s Schooldays”: George Bush the class jock, Bill Clinton the class grind, Ross Perot the apple polisher, all neat and polite in their red and blue school ties, and Carole Simpson the hapless substitute teacher, working to keep the civics lesson on track with playground dynamics like, “Who wants to say why you don’t like the way the campaign is going?”

The questions from the 209 members of the Undecided Class of ’92 were obviously heartfelt and sincere, but broad and self-conscious.

Question: Define the universe and give two examples.

Bill: I’ll give you three examples, and footnotes to show that nine Nobel Prize winners, 25 generals and hundreds of business people agree with me.

George: Seen 43, 44 universes go democratic on my watch--don’t need to define them, they’ve defined themselves.

Ross: I could stand here and talk about that till the cows come home, but when are we gonna stop slow-dancing and get on with it?

Tuesday night, in the Battle of the Ken Dolls, Vice President Dan Quayle and Sen. Al Gore of Tennessee stood at their lecterns and talked like someone had pulled their strings too tight.

Thursday night, three left-handers who want to be President fidgeted down in front, perching on borrowed blue barstools then hopping off again. Should they walk? Should they walk and talk at the same time? Should they walk while someone else is talking? Would Ross Perot ever stop talking?

And what was everybody in the front row constantly sluing their eyes over to look at, anyway? To see if it’s time for recess? Even Bush checked his own watch twice.

Question: How can we , as symbolically the children of our future President , expect you to meet our needs? If this class needs ice cream, how are you prepared to meet those needs? Could we cross our hearts? Could we make a commitment?

George: I think it depends how you define needing ice cream. I think each of us should buy his own ice cream. That way more people will be selling it, make it cheaper.

Bill: Just remember three things: chocolate, vanilla, strawberry. I think we can sell all three kinds, and still make sure that people who can’t afford to buy ice cream will still get some.

Ross: I started out learning how to make ice cream and now I have four other kids working for me, making ice cream. That’s the American way. Sure it’s expensive, but you get what you pay for .

Getting good marks in Ms. Simpson’s grade book:

Bush, showing that he had read Polonius’ advice to his son in Hamlet because he said his father told him to write to his mother and tell the truth.

Clinton, showing that he had read both the Cliff’s Notes and the book. Any book, you name it.

Perot, showing that he had read--lovingly--the transcript of his own quaint sayings from the last debate, and only plagiarized himself.

Getting bad marks in Ms. Simpson’s grade book:

Bush, showing that he can’t make up sayings as neat as Perot’s (“You can’t turn the White House into the Waffle House.”)

Clinton, showing that he’s not sure how to pronounce “chameleon.”

Perot, showing how he got to be the boss--don’t let the other kids talk.

Question: I’d like to know why guys like you always get juice and Twinkies in your lunch every day when the rest of us can’t afford it. Doesn’t it make you feel bad?

Bill: It does make me feel bad, and you-all tell me every day how bad it is, and if elected I will start up a share-the-Twinkies program that will find ways for you to earn money so you can buy your own Twinkies.

George: Are you saying just because I get a bigger allowance than you that I don’t feel bad when you have to go without Twinkies?

Ross: Began with nothing . . . American dream . . . my dog . . . show you the pictures . . . In the deportment department:

Ms. Simpson: Bill, would you like to say something?

Bill: Ross had his hand up.

Ms. Simpson: George, stop looking at your watch. This is a discussion, not a track meet.

Ross: I paid for this microphone. In fact, I paid for this school!

George: Cooperation, Ross, and you’re for that, I’m sure . . . I think we should give a big hand to Ms. Simpson , but please don’t take it out of my time!

Class dismissed. Thank goodness.