COMMENTARY : Recap for Those Who Missed 2nd Half

Monday’s third presidential debate went very well while moderator Jim Lehrer of PBS was quizzing and asking follow-up questions of President Bush, Bill Clinton and Ross Perot.

But I dozed off when the format changed halfway through the televised 90 minutes and the candidates were interrogated by three other journalists, Helen Thomas of UPI, Gene Gibbons of Reuters and Susan Rook of CNN.

Fortunately, someone faxed me a transcript of what went on.

Thomas: I’ll begin by asking Gov. Clinton about his draft record.

Clinton: That I will pretend to calmly answer while panicking inside and wishing you were Larry King.

Bush: Which gives me a chance to irrelevantly add that if I make a mistake I admit it.

Perot: Which I will interrupt to remind everyone that I’m just a cur dog who was put on the ballot by the people whose will is that I appear on television and end my sentences with question marks?

Gibbons: As I reflect thoughtfully before asking President Bush a question.

Bush: That I will dodge by answering a question that you didn’t ask.

Clinton: While I hope the camera is catching my thoughtful gaze.

Perot: As I grin and wiggle my ears?

Lehrer: While I’m awakened by my own snoring.

Rook: Which reminds me to ask Mr. Perot if he can lead the nation while forever seeking consensus.

Perot: Which I will promptly hit out of the park by mentioning that I live five blocks from Arkansas while hoping for an opportunity to sell America my new line of watches that I have pinned to the inside of my jacket?

Bush: While I give the camera my most sincere expression while delivering another sneak attack on Clinton’s pattern of dishonesty which is now boring even me.

Clinton: Which I counter with a withering array of spontaneous statistics and catch phrases that I rehearsed all weekend.

Perot: Which I interrupt to tell the nation, “I’m doing this because I love you?”

Clinton: An aside from my good friend, Ross, that I warmly smile at and genuinely enjoy while praying that the ceiling will fall on his head.

Thomas: Which gives me a chance to jump in and ask President Bush what he can do to win the election in the next two weeks.

Bush: Which I respond to with a cock of my head and affectionate grin while mentally strangling Helen and giving her an answer that my dog, Millie, wouldn’t believe.

Clinton: As I turn toward Bush and pretend I’m not worrying that his stronger performance tonight could cost me votes.

Gibbons: While I ask Gov. Clinton about the important aspects of leadership.

Clinton: And I thank and applaud you for asking that question that I will now skillfully evade.

Bush: While I warn Mr. and Mrs. America to hold onto their wallets while trying to suppress a yawn.

Perot: While I smile at the panel of journalists who I think are repulsive slugs?

Lehrer: As I’m awakened when my head hits my desk.

Rook: Which reminds me to question President Bush about the lack of blacks and females in his inner circle.

Bush: Which I respond to with a friendly grin while confirming that James Baker is a man and praying that Susan will be attacked and devoured by a giant lobster.

Perot: Which gives me a chance to obey the people’s will by advertising my political commercials, repeating a string of old jokes that no one laughs at and saying again that I’ve stayed the course while adding that what we need is people to stop talkin’ and start doin’?

Clinton: An opportunity I seize by thrusting out my jaw and sanctimoniously mentioning “change” for the 63rd time.

Rook: As I press you on whether you’ll pledge not to raise taxes on anyone making less than $200,000 a year.

Clinton: While I hope the camera doesn’t catch my sweat beads.

Perot: Which I’ll exploit while getting mad about not being allowed to answer a question I was never asked?

Bush: While I begin reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

Perot: Which I will counter by blowing kisses to my wife and family?

Clinton: And I respond to by announcing the endorsement of my economic plan by Mother Teresa.

Lehrer: While I wonder why I am prone on the floor with my eyes closed.