New Leaf Should Turn Back Over

Up in Canada, home of the upside-down maple leaf, the World Series will continue tonight.

This being the first World Series game to be played on foreign soil, you should expect Canadians to fly their flag proudly--oh, and right side up.

You also should expect four Royal Canadian Mounted Police to march forth carrying a “new” American flag. One with 50 stars in the lower left-hand corner.

You couldn’t blame them.

A Marine Corps color guard at Atlanta Sunday night marched onto the field with their rifles smartly on their shoulders, with their shoes positively gleaming and with Canada’s flag waving patriotically right there beside ours--but upside-down.

The maple leaf was pointing in the wrong direction, same as Toronto’s hockey team.

Oh, did Canada react!

Calls flooded the local newspapers, TV networks in two countries and the Atlanta Braves’ offices to rag about the maple leaf.

All the callers left pretty much the same message: “Stem side down, stupid.”

Well, at least Atlanta did get the anthems right. Canadians feared that some singer might come out and do “The Star-Spangled Banner” for America and “Dixie” for Canada.

They still don’t much care for the North down there, you know.

And hey, you can’t get much northerner than Canada.

Many Canadians wonder why Americans shortchange them on respect. They have never fought us in a war, have never been anything but a good neighbor. They don’t even drop by uninvited to borrow a cup of sugar.

I don’t blame them for taking this flag thing seriously.

I mean, Stem Side Down, Leaf Side Up--is that so hard to remember?

It isn’t as though Canada and baseball just got acquainted. Toronto and Montreal have been in the majors for some time now. They should be very familiar to us. It isn’t like this World Series is between the United States and some team from, oh, say, the Philippines.

The Expos do play in the National League. The city of Atlanta has entertained Canadian guests before.

Shoot, Atlanta even played professional hockey once, if you want to call the hockey the Atlanta Flames played professional.

Canada is by nature a peaceful nation--for a hockey-loving country, it doesn’t pick many fights--and probably is sensible enough to turn the other cheek.

However, in case anyone up there is feeling vindictive today, here are a few ways to get even:

1. Ask Anne Murray or k.d. lang or someone with a pleasant voice to sing “O Canada” this evening. Ask Roseanne to sing our anthem.

2. Carry a Confederate flag upside-down. (By the way, which side is upside-down?)

3. Hold up banners that say: “Stock car racing stinks!”

4. Have a Mountie harass Francisco Cabrera.

5. Do the “tomahawk chop” backward.

6. Change CBS banners to SBC.

7. Turn Atlanta’s 1996 Olympic mascot upside-down. (Wait. How will anybody tell?)

8. Hang signs insulting Betsy Ross.

9. Have Ed Sprague’s wife put on an exhibition of solo synchronized swimming. (Not upside-down, though. She’d drown.)

10. Read Atlanta’s names backward. For example, “Nixon” would be “Noxin.” (Of course, “Otis” would come out “Sito.”)

You could also detain Deion Sanders at customs and ask him to produce sales receipts for all that jewelry.

“Do you have anything to declare, Mr. Sanders?”

“Yes. I play two sports.”

I sure hope Canada is in a forgiving mood. After 100 years of baseball, that great country finally wins a pennant, only to have it flown upside down.

Well, don’t fret, Atlanta. That Olympic opening ceremony is only four years away.

You have four more years to practice, practice, practice.

“No, I don’t think they even use that hammer and sickle anymore!”

“Is this Spain thing green stripe up or green stripe down?”

“Do the Japanese use a red sun on a white flag or a white sun on a red flag?”

Patience, Canada.

They should get it right eventually.