His Words Cannot Describe
There are always trade-offs in this life, as Ram fans are reminded every time they pick up the newspaper these days.
You wanted a more competitive team? You got it.
You wanted an end to the league-wide “L.A. Lambs” jokes, the Monday morning humiliation around the office water cooler and the need to wear paper bags over your heads while attending a home game? You got it.
And now you want to read glib, wry and witty observations from the head coach?
You got any old John Robinson clippings lying around?
The rebirth of the Rams has done much to obscure a most dire development inside the office of the head coach: The Death of the Quote. Chuck Knox buried it on the day he replaced Robinson and more dirt gets thrown on the grave by the day.
Where Robinson could apply the verbal soft-shoe to any topic ranging from Kevin Costner’s films to Kevin Greene’s effectiveness from the left side, Knox deals in cliches, because they are simple, and short, declarative sentences, because they don’t take as long. Commas are discouraged. Insight as well. Knox doesn’t care. He has a 3-13 football program to turn around. He doesn’t have time to turn a phrase.
Thus, interviews with Knox resemble the drive-through lane at Jack In The Box--move ‘em in, move ‘em out--and local journalists are left to mourn the greatest quotability gap since Cookie (He Pitch A Helluva Game) Rojas replaced the thoughtful eloquence of Gene Mauch.
If you’ve been keeping up, and not dozing off, you’ll be able to ace the pop quiz below. Three possible responses are given for each item. Select the one that was actually uttered by Knox.
After losing the season opener, 40-7, to Buffalo, Chuck is asked to describe the emotional tug between returning to the Rams after 19 years and returning to Buffalo, where he once coached for five years:
a) “It reminded me of the many great moments I had in this stadium. Today, obviously, wasn’t one of them.”
b) “Maybe I should have stayed here.”
c) “It was a football game.”
New England is next on the schedule. Chuck is asked about the importance of beating the Patriots now that his young team’s self-esteem has taken a pummeling:
a) “If we don’t win this one, boys, we’re looking at 0-7, easy.”
b) “If we can’t beat the Patriots, we ought to start looking into Arena Football.”
c) “I think anytime you go out there it’s important to win. This is the most important game we’ll play because it’s the game we’re playing this week.”
The Rams beat the Patriots, 14-0, in a game that needed a mercy rule a minute after the opening kickoff. Chuck assesses the competition:
a) “Now you know why we got rid of Hugh Millen.”
b) “Poor Dick MacPherson.”
c) “I think New England has a good football team. They’ll be heard from this year.”
Chuck is asked who he plans to start at right outside linebacker:
a) “Roman Phifer. At least until we draft someone better.”
b) “It sure won’t be Paul Butcher, who’s damn near playing himself right off this team.”
c) “We’re not prepared to mention starters now. I don’t think that’s important.”
Chuck is asked if he’s disappointed with his team after a 26-10 loss to Miami:
a) “Yeah. You know, rebuilding this team was a lot easier the first time around.”
b) “Disappointed? I’ll tell you about disappointed. Disappointed is winning five straight NFC West championships and then having Carroll Rosenbloom tell you to catch the next flight out to Buffalo.”
c) “My being disappointed is not going to have anything to do with it. What we’ve got to do is coach better. Just keep working and staying the course and all those things.”
Chuck is asked about his least favorite preseason tailback candidate, Marcus Dupree, rushing for 100 yards in an exhibition game against the Raiders:
a) “Yeah, well, the Raiders are no great shakes.”
b) “You know, I may have to reassess the situation. I’ve never been wrong before, but I suppose there’s always a first time.”
c) “He got some yards.”
Chuck is asked about an upcoming game:
a) “We probably have no business being on the same field as the 49ers, but if Jim Price holds on to the football, I guarantee we’ll win it.”
b) “I’m not a betting man, but if I were, I’d take us and the points, big time.”
c) “You don’t know until you go out there and tee it up.”
Chuck assesses a 13-10 loss to New Orleans:
a) “We couldn’t have moved the football against that defense if we’d rented a truck.”
b) “Excuse me, but I have to help peel Rickey Jackson off Jim Everett’s jersey.”
c) “They played better than we did.”
In a light moment, Chuck is asked jokingly about the Rams’ biggest weakness--Jackie Slater’s inability to win a pregame coin toss:
a) “Jackie’s slowing down. Five years ago, he makes those calls.”
b) “We’ve had Jackie studying films on that all week.”
c) “I’m not interested in the coin tosses. I want the wins.”
Chuck previews the New York Giants game:
a) “Gentlemen, we are about to get well this weekend.”
b) “Jeff Hostetler hasn’t shown me anything since the Super Bowl. L.T. should have retired last year. Ray Handley? He’s no Bill Parcells. If I were in his shoes, I’d be calling off press conferences, too.”
c) “The Giants are a heck of a football team.”
Time’s up.
If you went for c) across the board, give yourself an A. If not, get thee to The Chuck Knox Primer and brush up on the founding philosophy:
“I think what it comes down to, regardless of how much talk you do, (is) to get it done on the football field. What you do speaks so well, you don’t need to hear what you said.”
That said, repeat these words after Chuck: “Rams 38, Giants 17.”
In and around Anaheim, that qualifies as the quote of the week.