PAGES : Childless and Hurting

Delivery rooms and 2 a.m. feedings aren’t part of life for 41.5% of U.S. women of childbearing age. Many are childless by choice or by such circumstance as infertility or lack of a partner.

Linda Hunt Anton, a Marin County social worker, knows firsthand the distress that can accompany involuntary childlessness. For 13 years she wanted a child, but her first husband didn’t and infertility struck during her second marriage. To help others cope, she has written “Never to Be a Mother.” Among her tips:

* Acknowledge the feeling of loss as legitimate.

* Don’t blame yourself. One woman told her: “I feel guilty because every pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, like I must have done something wrong.”

* Consider rechanneling “mother energy.” Get involved as a children’s hospital volunteer, a Big Sister or as a nurturer of frail elderly folks. Becoming a favorite aunt or a confidant to a friend’s child can pay off, too, Anton says.

* Focus on the advantages that might accompany childlessness--more money, fewer time demands, more flexibility in work and recreation schedules. “There’s also more opportunity for self-development,” she adds, but she acknowledges that these benefits might still not outweigh the loss.