Brown Hit With ‘Life Penalty’ for Studying : THE COLLEGES

Scandal rocked the Bottom Ten when a routine investigation revealed a shocking fact about No. 1 Brown. All the school’s football players are actual students who intend to obtain degrees, an attitude that is a violation of nearly every precept of big-time college football.

Thus, Brown (0-10) forfeited all of its losses and the title went to Losing State University (2-9). LSU thus wins the distinction of having its name inscribed on a dunce cap and put on display in the Bottom Ten Hall of Shame, temporarily housed in Jack’s Sushi/Ammo/Tanning Parlor in Death Valley, Calif.

Speaking of scandals, rumor has it that the University of South Carolina may get hit with an athletic-director-tampering infraction by the NCAA after hiring away Mike McGee of USC. McGee said he needed new “challenges,” after presiding over the disaster of the last two years when the Trojans were a combined 9-12-1.

The rankings:

School, Record Last Week Bowl 1. LSU (2-9) 6-30, Arkansas None 2. UTEP (1-10) 18-43, Fresno State None 3. Duke (2-9) -- None 4. Pitt (3-8) -- None 5. Tulane (2-9) -- None 6. Cal (4-7) -- None 7. USC (0-10)* 23-31, Notre Dame Freedom 8. Clemson (5-6) -- None 9. Oregon State (1-9-1) Idle None 10. Tulsa (4-7) 9-38, Hawaii None

11. ABC’s renewal of the boring Big Ten vs. Pac 10 Rose Bowl deal; 12. Vanderbilt (4-7); 13. Minnehaha (2-9); 14.-17. Pentagon (Army, Navy, Air Force, VMI) (15-27); 18. Houston (4-7); 19. Idle; 20. Heisman Trophy race.

* Record against Notre Dame last 10 years.

You can even call him Ray: Former Arkansas interim head coach Joe Kines, on his role as assistant to new head coach Danny Ford: “You can call me anything you want, just don’t call me interim. I don’t want to be an interim anything. I’ve never been an interim husband, father or Christian.”

Parting shots (I): McGee on USC Coach Larry Smith: “Sure, there have been mistakes made, like not double-covering UCLA receivers near the end of that game. But all in all, Larry has done well and he’ll be fine.”

Parting Shots (II): Johnny Majors, after being replaced as Tennessee head coach by assistant Phillip Fulmer: “I want to thank all my assistants, the loyal ones.”

THE PROS

You’d have thought Denver was in the Super Bowl. Led by child quarterback Tommy Maddox, the Broncos did something only one other team has done this year--lose to Seattle. They even gave up 16 points to the Seashocked (2-10), nearly one-fifth of what the Seahawks have managed this year.

Another young quarterback who had it rough was Cincinnati’s David Klingler, who was sacked 10 times against Pittsburgh. The Bengals have reportedly given up on him and now plan to draft his brother, Jimmy, from the University of Houston.

Also upset was Lamb quarterback Jim Everett who, on one play near the sidelines, purposely tried to hit Minnesota’s wise-guy defensive coach John Teerlinck in the head with a pass. Surprisingly--considering this was Everett--the pass was accurate and Everett was awarded with an unsportsmanlike penalty.

Less offensive was New England, which registered 15 yards passing, the second-lowest total in franchise history. While we’re at it, congratulations to Tampa Bay (4-8), expansion team emeritus, for clinching a 10th consecutive non-winning year.

The rankings:

KFC* DIVISION

Wreck, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. New England (2-10) 0-34, Atlanta Indianapolis 2. Detroit (3-9) 21-24, Houston Green Bay 3. Phoenix (3-9) 3-41, Washington San Diego 4. Rams (4-8) 17-31, Minnesota Tampa Bay 5. Ditkas (4-8) 14-27, Cleveland Houston

* Kentucky Fried Conference

NFL LEADFEET*

QB (Team) Lifetime Carries-Yards Average 1.Marino (Miami) 198-101 0.05 2. Kosar (Cleveland) 145-192 1.33 3. Rypien (Washington) 92-140 1.52 4. George (Indianapolis) 38-62 1.63 5 O’Brien (N.J. Jets) 170-377 2.22

* Poorest runners among QBs in NFL

Note: At their current rates, the above quarterbacks will surpass 1,000 career yards rushing in the following years: Marino (2082), George (2037), Kosar (2025), Rypien (2023), O’Brien (2009).

Crummy Monday Night Game of the Week: Chicago (4-8) at Houston (7-5).

Shameless hypester of the week award: To ESPN’s Mike Patrick, who called the excruciating first two quarters of the Raider-Charger game a “sensational first half of football.” The Chargers led at the time, 21-3.