REPORT CARD / T.J. SIMERS : Folding the Cards

A: QUARTERBACKS

The Greatest Trade Ever Made: Chargers gave up third-round pick in ’93 to acquire Stan Humphries. Chargers worried initially they paid too high a price. Chargers used third-round pick in ’92 to select Ray Ethridge. Who?

D: RUNNING BACKS

Marion Butts runs 9 times for 5 yards. If six-foot man falls forward on face mask nine times he gains 18 yards. Ronnie Harmon fumbles opening kickoff, OK, so Barry Bonds strikes out every once in a while with bases loaded and they pay him $43 million.

B: RECEIVERS

Derrick Walker made the plane trip to Phoenix, but his hands got lost enroute. Anthony Miller and Nate Lewis remain productive. Shawn Jefferson celebrates chance to collect another paycheck today.

C+: OFFENSIVE LINE

In honor of Grateful Dead, who are appearing locally, lugs up front make like Deadheads while run blocking. But hey, you would’ve gotten better odds of catching Quackmaster Mauck at Dead concert than finding Chargers in first place now.

B: DEFENSIVE LINE

Get a message off to those five billion people in China: Leslie O’Neal is talking again. Years from now they will be talking about Burt Grossman instead of Wally Pipp. Grossman gets hurt, Chris Mims replaces him and becomes AFC player of month.

C+: LINEBACKERS

Junior Seau has an off day and the comic book writers kill off Superman. Does anyone believe they both won’t be back bigger and better than ever?

B-: DEFENSIVE BACKS

Only 26,880 fans show up to watch Donald Frank play. Arizona attracts senior citizens, which explains why Gill Byrd felt right at home. Delton Hall emerges from a long winter’s nap.

C: SPECIAL TEAMS

“Fung Lin” chants confuse Phoenix fans and reporters. As way of explanation, Charger PR staff treats reporters to Fung Lin Chinese food every time team wins. John Carney spurns reporters’ offer to carry him off the field on their notebooks.

B: COACHING

Why just the other day Jose Canseco was telling someone that he was behind Bobby Ross from the very beginning. Hey, can’t wait until day someone pours bucket of water over Alex Spanos’ head. Make it Gatorade.