New Attraction Is Sure to Be Earthshaking

Some people can’t stomach sumo wrestling.

I guess they don’t understand the appeal of two 500-pound men in Pampers bouncing their jiggly jelly belly bumpers into one another until one of them bumps the other one all the way into the thrill of victory or the upset stomach of defeat.

When I went to Japan a couple of summers ago, a woman said she wanted to take me to the big sumo championships. (As opposed, I suppose, to the small sumo championships.) But I didn’t want to go. I said: “If I want to see two fat guys bump into one another, I could stand in line inside any press box.”

She was persistent, though. So, we went. And the crowd was huge. And the wrestlers were double-huge. No matter how many millions of Japanese men subsist nutritionally on tea, fish and rice, the fact remains that there are many others who obviously have been digging their chopsticks into gallons of Haagen-Dazs chocolate-chocolate chip. These guys are livin’ large.

Anyway, I had a very good time. I remember having once read that the way a bull hippopotamus attains supremacy of a herd is to pick out another hippopotamus and butt him to death. Sumo wrestling is remarkably similar, except nobody dies.

I always wondered when it would catch on in America. After all, we do love our contact sports.

One night I saw a fight between George Foreman and Larry Holmes that definitely resembled sumo. As a matter of fact, to this day I wonder why Foreman keeps insisting on using his fists when he has so much more prominent a weapon at his disposal. He could have belly-bumped Evander Holyfield right out of the ring. A waist is a terrible thing to waste.

Well, good news.

American Sumo Wrestling, Inc., an organization based in Minneapolis, where sumo wrestlers probably wear mittens and ear muffs, is about to bring its act to a canvas near you. Thirty-two football players from the NFL have volunteered to participate in a 17-city tour designed to introduce the honorable sport of sumo to an American public hungry for excitement.

In case anyone is wondering what kind of greed is involved, you should know that portions of the prize money for the American Sumo tour--to premiere Jan. 19 at the Sports Arena--will be donated to the Children’s Miracle Network, a good cause.

So, sumo fever. Catch it.

Verne Gagne is one of the folks going around publicizing the tour. For those too young to remember, Verne was the Hulk Hogan of his day. He was always my favorite wrestler because, unlike Hogan or Andre the Giant or Haystacks Calhoun or some awesome specimen of muscles or mass, Verne Gagne resembled your average corner grocer. Verne looked as though he couldn’t have taken Delta Burke two out of three falls. Yet he always won.

He seems pretty pumped about this sumo thing. I gather he thinks that, with a little exposure, sumo wrestling could become big in this country.

One thing I always thought sumo wrestlers had was plenty of exposure.

Like you, I already am attempting to picture certain NFL players taking part in a sumo scrap for your entertainment. The image of William (Refrigerator) Perry vs. William (Bubba) Paris in a couple of XXXXL loincloths is a vivid one. For a while during the ‘70s and ‘80s, a popular sport in American barrooms was “belly busting,” during which a couple of corpulent good ol’ boys got together on a sawdust floor and did their own version of dirty dancing. Instead of diapers, they remained fully dressed, usually in a whole lot of denim. The winner sometimes got a trophy, out of which he could chug-a-lug.

But the American Sumo tour is offering real money. I am not certain when and where the eventual heavyweight, and I do mean heavyweight, championship will be determined. My guess is Oscar Mayer Memorial Stadium.

What I do know is that sumo wrestling is considerably safer than professional football, so I can understand why these big lugs from the NFL wouldn’t mind giving it a try. While these events figure to be BYOP--Bring Your Own Padding--I remain confident that the only bones any sumo wrestlers will ever break will be the ones they order from Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Sumo’s time has come. So, back up. Give ‘em room.

Know what I mean, Verne?