These days, life’s tough all over. Even the funnies are . . . : Out of ‘Toon

This isn’t a good year to be two-dimensional. Superman is about to die. Dagwood just got fired by his own wife. And if other cartoonists start angling for more readers, we can only guess at the comics page calamities to come. . . .

* Marmaduke: While chasing a small chuck wagon across the kitchen, Marmaduke rams the cupboard and suffers a canine concussion. Afterward, he becomes convinced that he is Scooby-Doo.

* Peanuts: Snoopy has a midlife crisis. He consults with Lucy (Psychiatric help: 5 cents) and realizes he is a cat living in the body of a beagle. After a species-change operation, he joins Garfield in an Off-Broadway version of “Cats.”

* Rex Morgan, M.D.: British tabloids catch the Doc cavorting with a topless Fergie in southern France. Rex insists he was along only as the duchess’ medical adviser.

* Apt. 3-G: The apartment goes condo. Everyone is evicted.

* Ziggy: Determined to shake his loser image, Ziggy enrolls in Dale Carnegie, est, Dianetics and Life-spring, then joins the Moonies.

* The Wizard of Id: The king, troubled by a listless economy and embarrassing reports that he threw up on another emperor’s lap, replaces the wizard with James Baker.

* Calvin and Hobbes: Unable to snap out of a fantasy involving a talking toy tiger and a spaceship, Calvin is diagnosed as delusional, and he’s institutionalized.

* Crock: The lost patrol runs into Amelia Earhart, Elvis, Judge Crater and Michael Dukakis.

* Andy Capp: He comes unglued when his wife starts attending Al-Anon and says she won’t remain co-dependent.

* The Far Side and Doonesbury: Sabbatical-happy cartoonists Gary Larson and Garry Trudeau decide to combine strips so they have to work only six months a year. In the new “Far-Out Side,” Zonker marries a talking cow, amoebas run the White House and Honey--after being adopted by Mia Farrow--has an affair with Woody Allen.

* Beetle Bailey: The Army catches up with a pair of ‘60s draft avoiders and inducts both into Beetle’s unit. But chaos ensues. Pvt. Clinton falls for Miss Buxley, and Pvt. Quayle suffers post-traumatic stress disorder when forced to peel a potatoe during KP duty.