The United States reportedly may soon have...

The United States reportedly may soon have closer relations with Vietnam. And today Kayla Mull, a breeder of Vietnamese potbellied pigs, will show off two of them and lecture on their care and training from 1 to 3 p.m. at For Pets Only, 310 S. La Brea Ave., Hollywood.

Your ever-alert correspondent has found a connection between these two events--in the heretofore secret journals of the late Gen. Vo Nguyen Giap, victor over the French at Dien Bien Phu and Hanoi’s master strategist in the war against the United States.

“However admirably adapted communism may be for mobilizing a people for war,” Giap wrote in the early 1970s, “the Soviet and Chinese experience indicates that it’s (expletive deleted) when it comes to running an economy.

“Even if we win, we may need help from the Americans down the road. Therefore it’s necessary that we not alienate them entirely.

“One can’t help thinking of American peace activists chanting, ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ in reference to our great and lamented leader, Ho Chi Minh. Who else says, ‘Ho, ho, ho’? Santa Claus, of course. It follows, then, that they endow Uncle Ho with some of the lovable qualities of Santa.

“The propaganda value of this, though, has to be limited. Sooner or later they will discover that Uncle Ho, however much we admired him, was a flinty old revolutionary. His beard was only a wisp. And he had no belly to jiggle like a bowlful of jelly.

“I suggest, then, that we export to the United States something truly lovable--the potbellied pig.”

To get a pig’s-eye view of all this, we went to Venice and interviewed Phred, a pet named after the lovable Viet Cong soldier in “Doonesbury.”

Question: Phred, what’s it like to be a potbellied pig in America?

Answer: Whoa! I may have been potbellied where I came from, but here I’m just your normal, well-rounded guy.

Q: You mean. . . ?

A: Yes. Despite all the diets, aerobics and weightlifting you Southern Californians talk about, I fit right in. This is Cellulite City, where a pig symbolizes money in the bank and where John Candy, John Goodman and John Madden are stars. I bet if I change my name to John, I could be a star too.

Q: You mean . . . ?

A: I mean phooey on ‘Phred.’ Phooey on all that Old Country stuff. Hollywood, here I come!

Q: Wait a minute. You’ve heard about Gen. Giap’s journals. Aren’t you part of an insidious plot to get us to love Vietnam?

A: What a laugh! It’s they who love this country . Every slim person in Vietnam--and that’s everybody, believe me--wants to be just where I am: living off the fat of the land.